Two Changes

I’m starting up two changes for myself, on top of working out and trying to eat better.

Skincare and hair removal on the body.

I have something akin to psoriasis. Nothing painful or unbearably itchy. Just patches of very, very blotchy and dry skin (yes, discolored), around the armpits and under my breasts. I’ve had them for years. I’ve been self conscious about them too, however now I’m fighting to correct it the best I can. So I’ve started applying coconut oil as a way to counteract it. And from what I’ve read, this stuff is just a damn cure for anything! (Organic, cold pressed, etc. It works. I can vouch for oil pulling of the teeth; it does help strengthen the teeth and overall improve the feel of the mouth. I just stupidly stopped doing it…)

I’m also an unlucky lady by having quite a bit of longer body hair. So, I’m starting sugaring- akin to waxing, but natural and much less likely to damage then skin. Plus, it’s said to kill the follicle without repercussions and stop hairgrowth! Pricey? A bit. However I’m desperate. This is the year I change me for my own comfort. I have arm hair, belly hair, facial hair. It’s all nasty in my eyes. (I’m flattered if anyone thinks otherwise, but this is my flesh I’m stuck in, so allow me to try and do what feels right…)

I’ll update on any and all changes. (: Good and/or bad.

I also did an hour’s worth of yoga. Not super extensive. But enough to feel it in my hips and to loosen my back.

I’ll go for a walk around my campus tomorrow, I think. Yoga class Monday. Cardio I start on Tuesday.

I’m on my way. Just need to press on and let these changes happen naturally. And they will.

(And everyone is being fickle today, I swear…)

Dresses and Copious Laughter

I slept in, which lead to about two hours of being completely bummed. I was supposed to catch someone, but I slept so long they had to go. I can’t tell if they feel miffed at me or no. If they do, we’re backtracking steps and I don’t want to deal with that.

However, by 5:00pm my time, the day improved. I’ve learned I wear a size 12 in several dresses. I can’t stand that. I’m not depressed, though… Rather, we all had a good laugh about needing to be healthier.

I start hitting the gym tomorrow. 11:00am. Many of us are going together. Will prove to be a…well, an interesting time. I start free workout classes this week at the gym on campus. I’m taking up yoga on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And I’m taking up spin classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Cardio to burn the fat and stabilize my knees, yoga for strength and flexibility.

I’m getting my loan refund back on February 10th. I’m about to make a cup of tea to flush whatever I keep eating out of my system. Will make a list of something to make next week. On the 4th, I can start shopping for more yoga pants (left my new pair at home… 😥 )

I can burn this all away. I just need to get off of my ass and work at it.

I’ve sent in two more job applications. Am applying for some type of healthcare coverage.

I’m on track. I just need to keep bettering myself. I have what it takes. Tomorrow shines bright. I just need to keep at it.

One day, at a time.

Making Mistakes, versus Being an Adult

This is short and sweet.

I love the people closest in my life. ❤

But I can’t keep being the crutch for them and every insecurity and mistake. That’s part of life, especially with us being in our twenties. Learn to survive through tripping. Those scratches we accumulate are lessons we need in order to adapt, change, and grow.

I can’t keep holding your hand(s). Neither can everyone else.

Don’t be afraid. Take the plunge and give it a try. We’ll be there at the bottom to catch you before it all ends poorly. We’d never let that happen.

But your life isn’t our responsibility to dictate and decide on.

It’s all on you. Our lives are our own. Seize the chances; live!

~ a little white dove

January 27th

Well. It came, and it passed me by.

Significance? Well, it is the day I was born. So I suppose this entry should detail me a bit more, no?

I am a 24 year old woman, living in the Southwest USA. I was born in California this day, in 1992. Moved to Florida approximately six months later. Six years after that, moved to the forgotten state of New Mexico, where I currently reside as I finish up school.

I’m 5’4″. Caucasian with brown eyes and wildly curly hair. Agnostic atheist, and independent in terms of politics. My body shape is curvy. My skin is affected by a slew of issues I’m currently trying to correct with sugaring and coconut oil. (If it works, I’ll update!)

I am the only daughter (and child) to a free-thinking woman with a quiet, sweet demeanor that turns a 180 if you piss her off. I inherited a wide slew of mental instability and temperament issues. Though my family line isn’t dimwitted (primarily…). We’re an intelligent line. Just unstable.

I have depression, triggered by the fact that my dad passed away a decade ago, now.

I love dogs. Cats are okay. But having a parent deathly allergic to them did not allow me to raise/bond with them. So dogs… Puppies are my go to. ❤ Especially the giant breeds. I’ve had two dogs; a golden retriever and a Great Dane. I’ve also had fish (all died by shoving their heads between the rocks in their habitat…), and I’ve had a chinchilla.

I like tea. Not the Lipton brand we all know well. I like real tea leaves and teabags.

My favorite workout is yoga. Though I’m currently in pursuit of finding and sticking to a good cardio. I’d love to dance, but until I tone down all of my squish (ack), I’d best to shape and strengthen and tone.

I also love horseback riding and hiking. I love the outdoors. I hate bugs. So camping is iffy.

I was born in winter (obviously). I get lethargic in the summer heat. Autumn and winter are my times of the year.

My favorite holiday is Christmas, for nostalgia’s sake. Valentine’s Day is a joke. Halloween is quirky, but has its merits. St. Patrick’s Day is also a joke, but the booze is fun.

I’m musically challenged. And I can’t sing. I’d be in college for composing if I had an inkling of talent in that department.

I’m currently finishing up my bachelor’s degree in Animation and Visual Effects…primarily in the 2D department. If all goes well, I graduate this December!

I’ve wanted to move out of the United States for roughly 6 years now. A change of pace…

I’m apparently highly attractive to men outside of my own country…go figure.

I don’t do sports. Don’t particularly like them, either. Though I do watch hockey…

The one feature I have that I love, are my eyes. Brown they may be, but the shape and the color really are lovely… I got lucky, for a change. Not to mention my eyesight is very, very sharp.

I have three piercings; two ear (each), and the right side of my nose is pierced. I’m also inked twice, with many more designs and plans coming up.

I enjoy walks around campus. My university is small, but well worth the time to explore. Very pretty place.

I enjoy small towns and back roads, rather than rushing and efficiency to get from point A to point B.

I have no siblings. No pets currently. Just a mother that loves me. And I’m perfectly happy with that.

We have issues with family at the present time. Has been that way since 2010 if not earlier. Stemmed from stupidity and the inability to correct their own misery. Lovely, no?

I like mellow activities. My competitive streak isn’t pretty, nor safe.

I enjoy rain, snow, and sunlight. Just depends on the day. I’m an evening/night owl. Mornings I have a hard time rolling out of bed. I love stars. Astronomy, astrology. I love it all. We are made of starlight, after all.

I’m not sure I want to be a parent one day. I’m 24. I’m not ready to be that much of an adult. Nothing wrong if someone is up for it! But for me? I need time to still stabilize myself and explore my identity, especially once I finally graduate and am free of school.

I attract men outside of my own country. Americans don’t often bat an eye, or if they do they don’t act on it. I like courtship. I enjoy companionship and having someone go out of their way to show me I’m worth the time. I invest all of my time in people I care about, to the point of nearly breaking myself. Not a happy medium there.

My future career is wrapped around pre-production and post-production in media. I’m a co-founder of an independent media company; still in the works. That means draft work, more draft work, marketing, and advertisement.

I enjoy painting my nails. And I don’t wear much makeup. Which works. What you see, is really what you get.

I love metal and rock music, orchestra, acoustic guitars, cello, piano…

I’m terrified of being completely alone. I also can’t swim, due to panic driven by the inability to breathe properly. I’m cautious by nature. I also can synthesize a situation and give multiple outcomes and the likelihood of each conclusion.

My mind and independence scare a lot of people. I don’t give off a vibe of needing anyone. I’m not about to change that…

I have two best friends I love above all else (besides my mom). Four brother figures (only two of which would kick someone’s ass for me). And a flirty complication to the country north of me.

I’m easily content, but am picky about what I have/get involved with. I’m picky with food, clothes, and company. However when I have my comforts, I’m solid. ❤

I’m a mess. An Aquarius influenced by Capricorn. Raised by a Pisces. Overly cautious and abrasively reckless.

I am me; a child of the universe. I’m my own beginning, though. And it’s a beautiful mosaic for me to continue piecing together.

A Sense of Calm

The day between two points.

And yet I’m oddly alright. Came back to campus today. One of my two best friends checked in after, making sure I was okay.

Home is where the heart is. The closest knit friendships harbor the majority of the pieces of our hearts.

Had two cups of coffee. Everyone’s more excited about my birthday than I am. But they seem so happy to celebrate…

All is well. I’m tired, but I’ll manage. I’m oddly at peace.

My day was coffee, junky nachos, and good conversation with unexpected people. (And two more sets of eyes watching my way. I can do nothing but simper in silence.)

I’m well. ❤

A Decade Since…

I have one major life event that I’ve yet to really clarify on. And I thought it best to go into detail today, January 25th.

I lived a relatively calm, simple life for almost 14 years. However, my reality cracked and shattered on January 25th, 2006; just two days preceding my 14th birthday. I was pulled from school, where my mom and I were taken to my dad’s place of work. He had died…

My dad wasn’t biologically mine. But that makes no difference in my world. He raised me from the time I was a baby, and he and my mom met, up until the very day he was gone. Academically he was the one I turned to, math and science being the subjects he was quite adept at, while I struggled to perfect and unlock each and every pattern (no shortcuts and shortstops).

He was so smart. An engineer, and a man of the United States Air Force. In some regard, that makes me a military brat (more so than I already was destined to be). He knew his equations, his projects. Because of him I became more inclined to love astronomy. (He worked on private/military satellites.) He’d show me constellations at night, from time to time. Pointing out satellites passing us by overhead. Of shooting stars and the craters of the moon.

We didn’t take many broad vacations. But when we did, we’d always take the longer roads and see where they may lead. I remember one trip to his hometown, he was quietly giddy to show us where he grew up.

By no means was he perfect. But my momma loved this man. And he was the daddy I felt safe and guided by. They had their tiffs, just as I had mine with both of them as I reached my stages of puberty.

None of us were perfect. But my god that doesn’t mean there wasn’t an abundance of love unfathomable.

And then, he was gone.

One good thing to note, about not being biologically related, is that I don’t share the genetic problem that killed him. Now, I don’t remember what it was called, though it causes severe heart attacks. His father had it, and died from it. His brother, my uncle, almost died from it too.

Which is where I have some anger issues where I can’t forgive the man. He knew he was at risk, and didn’t get himself checked out. Especially after his brother had bypass surgery. In the end, it was his own damn fault. And he left us alone. And I hate that. I can’t forgive that. He left a wife and child behind, due to his own negligence.

Even a decade later, and so much has changed, and I too have changed beyond a point my younger self wouldn’t recognize the woman in her place. I cannot forgive him. I don’t hate him. But forgiveness isn’t necessary to move on. There’s just no release on the guilty party. I’ll always remember.

Ten years have gone by. I’m not sure how to feel this time. I wanted to cry for the last month. Now? Now I just feel empty, hollow, and numb…again.

Because of what happened it triggered the receptors for depression. I’m not clinically medicated. I take natural remedies to balance myself out. But lately, getting out of bed is hard. I just want to sleep. It’s a trigger from the year to come. I’ve never been suicidal, though. I always bounce back.

What doesn’t help, is I have few people who are willing to talk to me about it all. What he was like, what him dying did to me. How the past me and the present me are so contrasting they’d be strangers.

No one wants to see scars as deep as that. They’re penetratingly real, and vicious to ignorant eyes and hearts.

I’m used to standing alone. And today, while I had good company trying to keep me from dwelling…I needed to dwell. So I’m off track by a day on my grieving.

This grieving isn’t the same as it was in 2006. This is letting my identity go. I’m a grown woman, with a future ahead of me so far into the unknown it’s beautiful and exhilarating. People can’t handle that reckless restlessness coiling inside of me. Then there are those who wish to contain me. But that just won’t do. I’m freedom seeking; no more obligations, other than to keep my momma in the loop of what it is I’m doing.

I’m not who I was. That path I was meant to be walking shattered out from underfoot a decade ago. Now I’m crafting my own path, spontaneous and beautiful.

My end goal? I just want to be happy. That’s all. I think he can live with that, so long as I’m not having sex with every handsome stranger to come my way. (As if. Still a virgin. What- surprised…?)

May tomorrow bring me release and clarity. And may the future bring me starlight to walk among.

Daddy- I love you. I always will. But let go of your baby girl, and any preconceived notions once established. I’m fiercer now. Steeled. Broken and patched back together with more steel spine and emotional scar tissue covering my heart.

May the world let me fly free. And what’s meant to be, sweetheart, will be.

~ a little white dove

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Horror Marathons and Abundant Laughter

A ridiculous day filled with ridiculous horror. Has me laughing, though the irony is there. (To be discussed tomorrow.)

I needed the laughter. It’s beautiful and clumsy and my god is it the best therapy when I’m lost in a constant spiral as I let this current internal storm pass me through.

The horrid wind edged into a beautifully quiet night. ❤

Lazy Days and Late Skype Sessions

I’m curious to know why this little pup keeps finding the ticklish spots on the backs of my legs…

Otherwise a lazy day, and four hours of sleep. Accompanied by a late Skype session; yet I won’t hold a grudge, seeing as it was the highlight of my day. Such good company…and we click so well. Bizarre how that works sometimes, no? (The strawberries though…)

Certain things on a professional/personal level on hold until we can figure out how to buy a domain name.

Instead- we watched cartoons and Ghost Adventures. (I hate modern cartoons…the style is lazy and the content lacks substance.)

Going back to campus Monday or Tuesday. (Likely Tuesday…) With that, will be on my toes until Wednesday, a break, then back to being on top 0f my game. So much to do, in such little time. But I’m ready for the challenge.

I’m ready. I need the challenge. Bring it on, bring the fire. I’ll come out dancing with those flames.

Laying In Bed All Day

Quite literally, that’s all I accomplished today. We’ve had Pitch Perfect playing on repeat all day (we’re odd like that). And My best friend’s small dachshund has been curled up in between my legs (as I lay on my stomach; so tickled I was and tried so hard not to kick him), for the better part of the day.

Woke up a few times this morning, until crawling out of bed for about an hour around noon.

I worry about people. I’m in constant conflict between humanitarian, and cold-hearted bitch. So when someone becoming dear to me is stressed, and I’ve picked up on that, I can’t help but worry. Gives me an outlet to avoid my own grief and stress and other such problems I’m currently being plagued with.

I’d rather help everyone than be left alone with my own issues. Probably because in the end, who’s there to hold me together when I crumble? The ones who can, are few and so damn far from me…

But come Monday I cannot do that. I cannot refocus my attentions elsewhere.

But today, I was not feeling the depression or the stress. I was calm. Able to relax and willing to breathe and leave responsibilities for another day.

I have a 9am wake-up call. (Literally, perhaps.) Whether I sleep tonight or no, is still up in the air. However, I’ve some things to preoccupy myself if slumber does not come.

Honey, I’d rather fix everyone else’s problems, than continue to rebuild myself all alone.

Steel and stone are my bones. My heart and soul and mind are simply tired. Can’t the world see this by now?

I’ll aim for rest. I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) is currently on repeat in my head. I wonder who’s fault that is…

~ a little white dove

 

Weekend Getaway with Bestie

Well, with one of them!

And I’m more relaxed than I have been in days. It’s nice being away, with someone who understands the chaos going on around me right now. Plans for the future are arising, and she’s one of the ones stepping with me.

Yesterday’s excursion lead to an injured foot. Have it bandaged up. Hurts like hell right now. But I’ll be fine.

It’s been nice there’s no drama today.

Classes started for me today. Easy homework due Tuesday. Have to email my other teacher about a Directed Studies class, and the content I need to be working on throughout the semester.

Otherwise? A good day. Can’t walk. Am gonna try some yoga. Just to relax and start working on strength building and some toning.

A long weekend indeed, and I need it!! Fun, shenanigans, and personal agendas. Perfection. ❤