The “What If’s”

They plague us. Nobody likes them. They trigger fear, anxiety, and stress. But they’re normal, natural, and we all should be used to them by this point.

Yet they always seem to sting.

I was hit by a slew of them when I finally woke up from just the most god-awful dream last night. Not even a nightmare. Just a dream the wrenched my heart open, and inflicted sorrow and something very bittersweet as well.

Now my mind is reeling. The what if’s. The good, the bad.

Life? Where is it taking me? Who else am I bound to lose before the decades end my life? Who next? Who last? What will I accomplish? What if it’s not in a way I expected or planned? My dreams- my goals? Who am I becoming, and who am I to be?

Life has been easy for me. Better than me. By no means rich financially. But I’ve felt love, I’ve had a roof over my head. And I’ve survived hell that life inflicts.

Biting bitter numbness. Emptiness. Abandonment. Death. I’ve felt the lick of all of them. And yet I still remain sweet in nature, until the temper likes to raise its head.

So when I dream of my very best friend dying. It leaves an ache that doesn’t exist in this reality. But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand what it would feel like.

There was nothing traumatizing. Just a cold, cold reality of how much I’d break. The “what if’s” of if that happened. (She’s safe, and alive, by the way. It wasn’t a premonition as far as I could tell. Just my mind playing psychosis.)

What if’s. Today? Tomorrow? A month from now? How about a year?

We can’t squash them. Try as we might, they will resurface. It’s hard, and it hurts. But pain can’t be imagined into nonexistence. Fear can’t, either.

Acknowledge it. Embrace it. Let it pass. Don’t try and mold it, either. For it won’t be molded. Only distorted to feed on more anxiety and stress.

Breathe. Let it pass you by. Make peace with the fact that our lives are perpetually unknown. And that every day you wake up breathing is a damned miracle.

Not to mention- there is always a solution. Always a way.

Now grab some tea or coffee. Put on your favorite movie. Or grab a good book.

It’s the end of the day. Tomorrow brings clarity, if you don’t fight the rest.

~ a little white dove


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