That is what I am. It’s keeping me ahead of so many people, being so analytically articulate in understanding the human behavior in just minor seconds.
I also really fucking hate it.
I had a feeling…I knew it, dammit. He’s been odd with me. And now in a dilemma.
I think my relationship is on borrowed time, now.
I could very well be wrong, and I will welcome that gracefully.
He questioned the reality of it. He’s stressed, I know. But to question the validity of it, the reality of what we both want it to become. (Long distance sucks that way.) I think I eased his mind when I assured him I did look at the stats. I know what my options are out there.
And then he brought up a friend that could jeopardize what we have. Now, I’m not jealous. Loads of girls are by far prettier than me. And the root of his stress was if he helps this friend, can he trust himself?
I’m tempted to tell him, if it comes up again (I might push it, it needs to be handled on both our ends), that if he wants to stay with me, I will trust him. But can he trust himself? That’s quite the question.
But if I’m not a priority…
I don’t give second chances. I’m moving on. I have my life to live. I won’t dawdle it on mistakes and second chances. I’ve done that in the past with friendships. Relationships are different.
I’m hoping I’m wrong. Oh, how I hope I’m wrong. He’s the package- what I’ve wanted, and the only one willing to push me bluntly where I need it.
But for days now, he’s been sparse in talking to me. Which it’s fine. But from a worrying message to sudden lack of communication, as well as him pushing me in an area I will not budge on right now…
I don’t always have the answers.
I just know I can pick myself up again when someone’s swept my knees out from under me.
On a side note- started jogging again. Not for long, seeing as my foot is still under recovery (deep internal bruising, so it’s all more fragile than usual).
And my roommate comes back tomorrow, too.
I’m at a loss, right now. I won’t be sleeping tonight, it looks like. Or tomorrow night.
Maybe once this is written, and I start drafting I’ll find some semblance of peace within myself…