It’s Eating Away At Me

The stress. The insomnia. All of it is meshing and mashing together, causing me to slowly shut down on myself.

Not to worry, this happens to me.

It’s affecting me physically, though. I need to not eat as bad as I have. I have to start working out again. It’ll help clear my system.

Fuck, I haven’t even done homework or called the bank.

I need…well, I need several things to be honest. But at the very top of that list, I have two things. I need school to end. I need a break. And I need someone, besides my mother, to tell me I’ll be okay. That I’m strong enough to handle it and pull through on top. It’s a selfish dependency, but I never vocalize how much I need to hear it.

And the few people who I could desperately use the pep talk from…well, I don’t really wish to bother them with it.

I’m self destructive. I depend on the intensity of the stress. It’s the only thing that will force me to accomplish what I need to. Generally, with results way above sub-par. Sometimes even excellent, if I’m allowed to toot my own horn, there.

Well, have a kicker from 2AM:

Another young man that’s shown interest in me again has popped back onto the scene. I humored him for a bit. Mostly discussing graduation for both of us. Then he continued prying a bit about my mindset on it, and why I wasn’t wetting-my-panties excited (I’m exaggerating here, I apologize here for the crude analogy) about graduation itself. I make him wary. But he finds me to be a pretty face. This was just hours after this new young’un that found my name to be incredibly enthralling. My answer? Well, I’ll be excited when it comes around. But for now…

Well, for now I’m too busy trying to finish, and figure a plan to get me out of here.

I’m a 24 year old woman. And I am beyond tired. In part it’s my own fault. In part, it’s not. I’m giving too much of myself than I’m receiving back, and I’m giving more than I am paying attention to my own needs. In contrast, people utilize me and assume I’m an endless energy at their disposal. In contrast, I live in a state in a country that does not take care of its people. So I’m left as a statistic, a number, for their own personal data. I’m left to pick up everyone else’s pieces.

When the fuck will someone look me straight in the eye, and ask bluntly “What do you want to do?”

Not in a day-by-day scenario here, folks. I’m talking grand scale. What do I want from my life.

It’s never about what I want. It’s what people want for me or from me. Not my own idea. Because somehow, I’m always fucking wrong. Even to the most minute details.

It’s eating me alive. I’m adrift at sea here, and being eaten alive internally.

Yet I keep surviving. I continue to live and thrive and pull through stronger than so many.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where to go.

I don’t need it, but I desperately want someone to me fight me for me. To force me to decide.

I want to be happy. Genuinely, blissfully happy. But how do I go about that?

~ a little white dove

I Just Want Sleep

That’s all. Nice, quiet, peaceful sleep. But due to insomnia and stress, that’s just not possible right now.

Have I ever mentioned my insomnia?

I don’t have a severe, causeless case of it. It’s due to high rates of thought patterns and stress. Sometimes together, sometimes not.

Whatever. Here I am, though. Struggling every day to find motivation to do what needs to be done. Tomorrow I have to call my bank, looking for my federal tax refund. Need to get my phone synced up to the campus wifi. And proceed to complete an entire assignment as quickly as I can manage.

Really. I just want some rest. But none to be found.

However my day was made, and I feel bad for laughing now…

An energetic young man was talking to several people, when I more or less walked out on them (was leaving my dorm’s building), and he cracked a joke how I was there to talk to him too. Had such a long week, and too much crap going on around me…

I couldn’t help but laugh. He then eagerly introduced himself, and mentioned his name. When I passed on mine, he seemed so shocked. And enthralled… I chuckled again.

Hope I run into him again. I owe him an apology. And I have an inquiry as to where he’s from. Had an accent I couldn’t quite pinpoint.

Elliot- thank you for being the highlight of the day. 😀 May you continue to be boisterous!

Wish me luck through tomorrow, all of you my lovelies… </3

~ a little white dove

Woke Up. Accomplished. Too Heavy a Plate.

I woke up. I survived the day. I felt like absolute shit through all of it.

Teacher has decided I really need to press for showcasing. Lucky me! (Not). He wants it in a week. All of my work. And anymore added to it to ensure it fits…

So that means implementation of sound, effects, transitions, etc. And my animatic. On top of one final I need to do. I just can’t catch a breather right now. I hate that, but I endure regardless. This isn’t the worst I’ve had to pull through. Not by a long shot. I’m just exhausted in multiple ways.

However I found entertainment through my best friend’s husband! He was livestreaming today. And so I came in online and chatted with him. It was a great time. A sweet guy. Who already thought highly of me due to his wife. (Love that chicky. ❤ )

Anyway. Scarce word from him.

Found a pair of slacks and a pair of shoes for under $50 total. I’m a happy girl.

Now I’m contemplating everything, so my mind is shutting down.

Best prospects? Get employment over the summer. Animate. Scarce internet vegging. Work out. Eat better. Go to childhood friend’s wedding. Get ink and piercings somewhere in there. Return to college for four more months. Graduate. Move.

The latter? I have three options to pursue I know of currently. Several more to look into.

Sorry Austin, TX. But I know too many people planning on flocking there…

Now I’m exhausted. Still feel terrible. And just want some rest. But the next two weeks will prove inept in that regard.

Fuck.

Through the Ongoing Headache

It wasn’t a very good day all around. Not terrible, nein- nicht schlecht. Just not a good day.

I now have two interviews Monday. One to be a peer educator assistant (no pay) next semester. The other to get my old job back (please please please let me gain it back…)

New phone is activated, at least. And it runs rather well! Got a few apps installed, and I’ve signed up for Instagram.

Otherwise? Couldn’t focus in class. Couldn’t be bothered to care too much. Then had to schedule two interviews.

But hey- boyfriend and his friend were streaming today!

Aaand I spent the majority of it talking to their friends rather than them…oops. But it was great! Guns, ink, and nerdiness. (I am still a woman of the rural towns, what can I say? I like me a strong drink, a strong man, and a needle painting my skin with ink. 😉 )

Currently nursing the ongoing headache I’ve had for…a week now. Going home in two weeks and three days. Then I get to continue being an adult. It’s rather sad.

I’m tired. Sleepy, sleepy tired. And eating too much…even though realistically I’m not. One meal a day on average is going to bode terrible for me…

Fuck.

At least my storyboard is about complete. One good thing going for me, besides a working phone!

Storyboards, Pens, and After Effects

Really, there’s not much to report.

Almost done storyboarding (it looks rather mediocre. Will clean it up.) My roommate wants fabric pens (how she doesn’t know what those are astounds me…) And a friend of mine turned to me, rather than her TA, for help with a program I’m becoming astute at.

Otherwise mind is reeling. How I’m going to show that I’m well worth the investment for a working Visa outside of the United States is unknown to me currently. Still giving me stress and anxiety.

Oh- my new SIM card arrived today. Tomorrow I’ll be getting that activated, and I’ll tinker with my new phone!

All else-wise? I’m tired. My best friend is determined to kidnap me when I graduate, and take me to Florida to be with her and her husband (who added me on Facebook today!).

Really, I’m just trying to get things set and done. I go home in about 17 days. And then I’ll still be equally as busy. Though I’ll have some solitude.

I think I’ll start bellydancing and bleach my teeth. Maybe I’ll lose sanity and dye my brown-gold-highlighted hair auburn if I really lose the few remaining marbles in my possession…

Who knows? Summer is nearing. And I’ve a lot to do!

(I know I’ve appeared quite whiny and pessimistic. And I do apologize. Profusely.

Floundering on my own is taking its toll. There’s only so much I can do, yet everyone seems to have it in their heads I’m capable of doing it all, whether to their awe or disdain, it doesn’t matter- same idea.)

Truthfully, I can’t. I’m human. I’m beautifully, brokenly flawed.

Learn that, I beg of the world. I’m not superhuman…!

~ a little dove of white

Watching Daylight Pass Over

Unmotivated. Surprised, no?

Yeah, didn’t think so. Mind’s reeling. Exhausted. Sleeping just seems to make me more so. Slowly storyboarding tonight. Whatever…

Self-destruction just puts me in limbo I’ve noticed. Not self-harm…just allowing myself to not take care of me. I’ve logged out of Twitter and Skype. Facebook I’m only on right now because two of my friends are messaging via it.

Went for a walk with my brother, earlier. It didn’t help. He just started to piss me off more. Then when he and I parted ways, I brought myself to the duck pond near the dorms. As I was circling it, I noticed someone walking behind me. Not sure if he was following me, but as I took to the route back to my dorm, he disappeared.

TWICE now. In the span of twenty-four hours, this has happened twice to me.

I think what’s more devastating, is no one that knows seemed to worry.

What the flying fuck?

Jesus, people…am I really worth nothing? Do you really not worry about me?

I need out of here. I need out of this fucking state and away from everyone I know. Which…

I did finally come to the conclusion to seek opportunities outside of the United States. I’m moving, at the very least, away from the Southwest as soon as I can if no other opportunities arise.

Until then, however, I’m banking on trying to network and sweet-talk my way out of here. I love my country. I’m tired of people. Anywhere else where the atmosphere is different, I’ll take it.

Canada, Ireland, New Zealand. I’ll look into Scotland later on. And I know Hong Kong is constantly hiring in animation (but I’m not sure I’d love to be there…)

My eyes keep drifting to Vancouver. I know the expenses are ridiculous. But…

My heart seems to hum. It has the western coastline I was born to, and the mountains that keep my soul singing.

I’ve never been. Hoping to correct it. I know the province Ontario has a lot of opportunity…but something about Vancouver, and being close to Seattle is nagging at me…

I need to see it for my own eyes. And soon. Before I make a mistake anywhere down the line. I need to make a trip to British Columbia and Ontario. For me.

Otherwise perhaps my Highland Heart will lead me to an island of rain and mountain ranges…?

I’m so tired… And I’ve no one to ask help from. Turns out, no one’s there to listen to the depths of my erratic thoughts.

~ a little white dove

One Day Off

And I still cannot cut everyone out, even for 24 hours…

What a tiring roundabout I keep putting myself through.

Anyway, managed to complete all assignments for one class last night, so today I took a breather. It was nice…even though I almost started yelling at my roommate about the door slamming. If she’d just take responsibility, then I’d have no problem. But she doesn’t. Hopefully tonight I’ll sleep

I digress. It’s not worth the hassle.

In other news, creeper awkwardly hanging around my dorm’s building. He even started following me. But me being smart, took to the main entrance and he awkwardly changed course. Saw him two more times, and I should have called the cops (stupid me), however another girl found him peering in on the girl’s bathroom down the hall, from the outside. Lovely. So the campus PD and the security here are on patrol. No idea if they found him yet or no. Regardless…he’ll meet his fate anyway.

And boy decided to talk a little. Then fell asleep on me. Great. Fantastisch. I’m logging out of social media. I’m going to storyboard come the morrow. (Hopefully stretch my poor back.)  And I’m only slightly kicking myself for giving time I didn’t particularly want to give. I need a vacation.

Otherwise a quiet weekend. I have pretty nails, too. So I mean…not a total waste?

A Highland Heart

Yesterday’s contemplations bled into today.

Me, myself, and I. What am I? What am I comprised of? What are the foundations of me? And it’s normal for me to constantly come back to such a topic, especially as I near the closing of this chapter of my life, and proceed onto the next soon enough next year.

My thoughts wandered to Ireland. North Carolina. A little bit of Scotland and New Zealand, too, for good measure. And then to Vancouver (sorry baby).

Mountains. I’m a woman raised among the mountains- the Rockies, to be specific. I used to loathe it when I was much younger, finding it dull and boring. In my late teens, and now through my twenties, I’ve come to love mountain living. The quiet, the calm. The geography unfathomable and unable for humankind to replicate in such intricacy and precariousness.

So what is a “Highland Heart”? Rocky, wild, beautiful, delicate. Passionate, messy, hard to map.

I love fiercely. But no one will ever have me tamed and caged. I’m highly conservative about my heart and world, hence why it is very few who try and make the trek, that arrive into the depths of me.

I’m perfectly at peace with it. I don’t have much choice, seeing as that side of me won’t change. It’s been tried before.

I can’t change. I’ve earned the scars around my heart. I’m not paranoid, nor am I afraid of the pain. I’m just tired of wasting time.

My heart is like the highlands, wild and beautiful in its own right. And a little dangerous, too.

My heart belongs to the mountains. Where there are mountains, I will find my calm.

Just as I’ve found the drive to leap ahead and finish up what needs to be done for the semester. Spent all night, trouble shooting for an outdated lesson supplement. But my projects came out fine. Maybe not entirely up to par…but passable indeed!

Wild and reckless and fiercely outgoing in m quiet demeanor…

I possess a Highland Heart. ❤

Tired Quiet

That’s how you can find me, today. Watching the day pass by outside, letting the fresh air come in through an open window.

Homework was sidelined today. But I’ll manage, like I always do. It was nice to relax post class. Should have gone for a walk, but I found watching sill mishaps from Little Big Planet 3 on Youtube to be a bit more…”productive”. (I live online too much. I really do…)

Latest assignments are going to take quite a bit of time to get through these next few weeks. I’m heading home in three weeks…

Then an entire summer’s worth of work, a wedding, and personal work for myself to pull through. So yes, forgive me if I’m a bit lackluster and incredibly exhausted and sidetracked right now. It’ll pass.

Anyway. I was thinking in a calm bubble today. A few recollections. A few understandings. And always contemplation.

It all boils down to childhood. Who we were, and who we grew up to be. How very few idealistic friends I’ve had… Yet here we all are, in our twenties and some married, some striving for absolute greatness…

And then those of us still trying to find just what it is we’re after in life.

As the wind rustles the trees painfully outside my window, I’ll continue to mull over such thoughts over a cup of tea…with some candy I do believe… then stretch out my core and call it a night. I’m doing cardio tomorrow after I get some needed rest. And storyboarding. Then onwards to animating cameras and fixing settings in them through Maya 2016.

Rest tonight, my lovely little origins. ❤

~ a little dove of white

Two Days, Sharing Six Hours of Sleep

So you can imagine how out of it I am currently (and how heavy and fat too…ugh.) Trying to multitask proved hellish. Survivable, but hellish.

Had to try and send off several gigabytes (for five renders, mind you), which took far too damn long, and storyboard (still not done…), and acquire and Add/Drop slip for my last class for the following semester.

Found things funny that weren’t. Probably off putting many. I’ve three weeks until I’m home, though. And really I’m just desperate for some peace and quiet. Some isolation, Some time to reflect on me, myself, and I.

Well, and some of the mud I’ve sunken into. But I digress. Regardless, I’m on a trek where I need to figure out my due course…whether I think I’m ready for it or no.

Now on other notes- new phone is beautiful. ❤ Too bad it remains inactive until a new SIM card is delivered (free of charge, because T-Mobile done did fuck up with their info…)

Aaand two very dear friends of mine are getting married this summer! (Just engaged, to be married in July.) Crazy crazy! Now I need to really get into shape, and get rid of this arm hair… -_-

Oh well. Things are curiously exciting right now. ❤ Chaos and time constraints. Happiness and love. Strength and stability. Adventure and comfort.

It’s becoming beautiful in this mayhem. ❤

~ a little white dove