Through the Heat…Clarity?

It’s quite warm today. For one day only. Tomorrow the temperatures ease back, and by Saturday we’re back down to 69 degrees Fahrenheit. I’m not overly fond of the heat.

But I’ve been thinking. And it’s not obstructing that…

Well let’s backtrack a bit. I’ve absolutely no idea what it is I’m doing in Maya this week. However my teacher is very fond of it… Wait until I put on textures (that I have to make…lovely).

So it got me on this weird thought-track, that I’ve been absent from lately. As did talking with my mom last night. My academia. My future. And the people I know. I’ve got eight months until I graduate. That’s right. Eight. Almost to the “T”.

I can handle what’s coming from classes, etc. No big deal. Not a problem. Employment? Eventually something will come my way. I’m not a kissass, but I’m sweet by default…well, sophisticated in my politeness. And modest. And smart. I’m a smart cookie for sure. So, eventually, I’ll land some type of employment.

Here’s what’s bothering me lately, and I can now focus on how best to approach it all. I’m tired of everyone telling me where to go, how to go about it, and how the fuck my life is going to play out. I’m tired of everyone trying to get me here, or there, without much thought as to what, perhaps, I might want. Stop telling me to be here with you, or go there and take them with me.

The one aspect to my personality that people do not understand, or know for that matter, is how much I’d love to drop everyone, up and leave, without so much as a word. Anything for my freedom. Anything to escape an image to uphold, obligations I don’t recall bargaining on. I’m suffocating.

No one would follow me, most places I could end up. How lonely is that, I wonder? By far, it’s a blessing my way. I’m tired of scrutiny. Of being a doll for everyone to decide who I am to be and what I will do.

I really am suffocating. Oh, the shock that’ll no doubt strike them when I’ve packed my bags and any trace of me is gone.

Maybe I’ll remake my Facebook account at that point. Why not? Begin again, start a fresh. A new chapter in my life. One where I’ve finally grown, embraced my faults, and left behind the baggage oozing nothing but negativity and chains.

I know I continue to circle back to this topic, lately. But I’ve checked- I have roughly eight months exactly until I’m done with school. And then…well…

I get to rediscover me. Twenty-four year old me. Tied no longer to obligations and expectations…just… Me.

And with this me, I’ll walk alone for awhile, I feel… Come to terms with myself, test the waters without hands grabbing and tugging and latching onto every nook and cranny of my limbs they can.

A me that will perhaps travel, despite federal loans to pay back. Travel, meet new people. Pump out a novel or five as I let myself be immersed in a world I don’t quite know by heart. With people I’ve never imagined, but no doubt their stories will drag me in and I’ll find something humble and humane that keeps the small flame of positivity still burning deep inside my heart.

It’s a world I’ve been dying to know for years. And every time I dare to imagine or dream, someone tries to ground me.

In today’s heat, I felt the pang of loneliness wrap me in its cool calm. Isolation from what I know, to be birthed into something beyond their fathom.

Wouldn’t that be lovely…?

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