3 Hours of Rest, Productive and Successful?

You read that right. I aimed for about 6 hours of sleep. Was granted 3. Could not relax. Could not drown out my roommate on her computer. I was so anxious and stressed.

The day turned out to be…just fine? I can now sign up for the class I had an interview for today. It’s gonna be tough. But I may as well give it a shot, no?

Then had coffee. Then had the interview for my summer job. Hopefully all goes well. (I need new tennis shoes!)

Still need to call the bank. But I forgot I needed the routing number my mom and I had used. It should be the right one- but I’m still missing my federal tax refund…

Had more coffee. Been extremely hyper since my interviews were completed. My panels have been resized from my storyboard. Need to save them as JPEG files now, with some clean up, perhaps.

And tonight I finished before 10:30pm on one assignment. Came out average. Not great, not poor. Just…there. It’s completed. It’s turned in. Just one more week…

I move out next Thursday. And I have some things to hide from prying eyes.

I also feel like I need to clarify my venting and near breakdowns the last few entries. I’m not looking for a savior. I’m releasing stress as I work to better both myself, and clear the way to a future I want. I’m subpar at much of what I do…but I always find a way to prevail through these repetitive trials.

Yes, I’d love help. However until that day comes, I’m caught adrift in my own world’s chaos. I’m constantly undergoing trial and error in what I do, and how I go about it.

I miss much of the company I’ve been very lucky to partake in throughout my life. However I also know I have a few pieces that keep me up and going, and will never leave me to be swallowed by my own degrading demons.

Which, in turn, some of those hands keeping me afloat are also slowly strangling me. Physically, my bubble is getting popped by my brother. He stands too close, and it’s taxing. My mom will no doubt likely do the very same come next week. Both have even cracked wise remarks about wherever I go, well…they’ll follow, too (within reason, which are details you my dear readers don’t particularly need to know. ❤ Nothing personal it’s just…personal? Heh.)

In some ways, my isolation is my saving grace. But I can’t mutter such words without triggering something among the people I know.

I’m a horrible person, sometimes. I’ve started researching places to go without telling anyone, other than my very very best friend…

And even she doesn’t know all of the details. It stings, some. But I’m flawed and selfish too. What I find, I’ll weigh who I should inform. I seek a ticket out. I’m willing to make large risks in order to do so. Will it be worth it? Perhaps. Will I fall? Perhaps.

With this lack of sleep, some things are awakened in my mind.

I’m feeling suffocated. And the only one who can save me, is me.

Which is without a doubt, normal in my world. 

~ a little white dove

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