Tension

Even at home. I can’t escape any of it. Back at college. Here at home.

Why is it so damn impossible to escape it? No wonder I do better in isolation when it comes to myself…well…sometimes. Knowing people are near helps. But not sharing a space 24/7 is something quite lovely indeed. No wonder I seem to be constantly hurting emotionally, and constantly stressed and exhausted and angry.

It’s pretty damn sad I’m counting down the months until I’m free of college. It’s pretty damn sad I’m antsy to up and leave. I don’t care about the money or lack thereof at this point; I’ve stated this time and again. If I can just breathe and reconfigure myself, to optimize where I need to go and the person I inevitably want to be.

My best friend called me this evening. ❤ I’d been modding for her husband all day on Twitch. It was an amazing 20 minutes where I felt like I could, in fact, breathe. Openly admitting she’ll kidnap me and use me to babysit her poor furbabies while she takes one weekend of a breather. But she’ll also whisk me away until I figure my shit out, if I can’t get it organized come December.

It was nice to hear her speak. To be reminded someone isn’t going to dictate how I approach tomorrow.

And then…she asked about him.

To which I could only laugh hollowly. Couldn’t give details. My mother was out in the living room. And as horrible as it is, she doesn’t know about him.

To my best friend’s shock, and my lack of surprise, she wasn’t happy to hear I’d had no idea how he was. Or what he was up to.

I think it’s more surprising he didn’t break my heart doing this.

But it’s the repetition of he’s not the first to have done this to me, that has me in tears.

I’m so damn self destructive, I allow these situations to happen. Because every person seems to think I’m there at their convenience. Otherwise let me be a ragdoll, abused and neglected.

It’s sad, then, when they seem react negatively and pull away without a rope to pull them back up.

It’s sadder still when my mom is tired of my stubbornness. It’s worse when it’s harder for me every time I return “home” to co-habitate with her.

So I’m left to counting down the months before I graduate. To when I can pull away and tell everyone to stay away…or…simply vanish, perhaps. So what if I break several hearts? Hurt several people?

All they seem to gift me is pain. They allow me to hurt myself in such a way it’s very hard to repair.

And him? Him?

Do I call him out? Do I just block him? Do I wait?

I don’t know what to do but I can’t remain this way. I loved him, yes. Oh god did I love him.

But I can’t decide how much I had, how much I still do. He needs to stake his claim or let me go. Because I can’t handle this stangnant waiting. More than once I have allowed him room to contact me, to which he never did.

I know I’ve been selfish and made him push to have a chance with me.

I’ve damn well fucking earned that right.

I’m always the puppet. I’m there for everyone.

When the fucking hell will someone stand in my way and tell me enough is enough? That I matter?

It is always “I’m so proud of you!” or “You’ll figure it out. You always do! <3” It is never that my wellbeing matters. Ever.

I’m not suicidal. But I am damn well self destructive. To the point I can’t stomach more than a meal a day. I become physically ill otherwise. I can snack here and there usually…

Mom doesn’t know. Everyone who does hasn’t flipped. The most I’ve gotten is “that’s not good”, but then they’re satisfied I’m not hospitalized, so they’re perfectly at ease to let it go without more worry.

The rest just don’t react. For a while there, I’d dropped a significant amount of weight in just a few weeks’ time.

Yes, it put me at a healthier weight and physique…but the rate at which I acquired it is not okay. But I couldn’t stomach more than one meal. I still can’t, depending on the day.

My best friend, my very best friend, is the only one leaping in to drag me away. And yes, it’ll take us time. But why is it no one else will?

They interject instead, how I plan to approach my career, or where I’ll go in life.

And all it does is make me scream internally, and break even more as I cry when I know there is no one there to witness it.

I project a capable woman. What I am is lost, alone, and drowning.

I don’t have hope that someone will hold out a hand to at least steady me in those waves.

I’m too stubborn to die. I’ll rewrite my existence.

It still hurts.

Am I truly that unlovable? Am I that impossible to love? Can no one fight me on me?

It’s bullshit. I’m acutely aware, and even that my mom refuses to acknowledge when it comes to the trifles between she and I.

I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of having to wear a mask just to get by in a single damn day.

I can handle seven more months. What I can’t handle is being ghosted or sidelined in a relationship without a damn just cause.

I can handle this fucked up masquerade for a little while longer.

What I can’t handle is lack of love.

I’m begging all of you– either love me and reciprocate what I give, or for the love of whatever you find holy…let me fucking GO.

This tension. It’s everywhere. I’ll survive it. But what will be left at the end, is another question entirely.

~ a little white dove

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