Anger Management

I need it, apparently.

Though how is this news, to anyone?

But generally, there are triggers. To which my mom isn’t happy that I won’t share. I’m constantly given the short end of the stick. Why? Because I don’t fight people when it comes to mundane things. What happens then, is I’m thrown through a loop. Again. And again.

So he messaged me out of the blue. And I don’t know how to respond. So I didn’t respond like I should. And the moment I tell my best friend, she’ll tear him apart or delete him entirely from my life.

Right now, I’m trying to surmise how to say what I need to say. I could just log out, and never contact him again. Delete my Facebook (no I haven’t done so yet). Log out of Skype. Ignore him on every other platform we share. Except for one, to which they haven’t been on in quite some time.

I’m clear in thought in one regard. My life won’t be controlled. I’ll be bitter and stubborn. I’ll be fiery and untamed; all with sweet, soft brown eyes that are colder than black ice when you’ve wronged me.

My intelligence is high. I’m rather humble about that. And I mask it because fighting ignorance only tires me out.

I won’t move to his region.

I won’t tell him what I’m doing.

That tattoo he wanted pictures of? None of his business.

The wedding I’m attending this July? Tch. He doesn’t need to know my world.

The piercings I want to talk to one of the parlors about? My business. My modifications. My beauty.

I ate too much today. But I’ll be stubborn and busy tomorrow. I’ll do what I need to. I’m sick of wasting my time in case someone else needs me. I’ll only be there for three people.

Not my brother. Not my past roommate. Not her friends. Not the majority of my family.

In the end, only a very small few will let me fly.

And it’s not just him hindering me. I text people, I get no response.

I’m my own priority. The day someone makes me theirs out of nowhere, is the day I’ll know the love that seeps beyond the heart, and rips my soul apart in something breathtaking and beautiful.

I’m on my way to flying. Each day for the rest of this year will be a struggle. But I’ll make it.

Always have. And I’ll continue to persevere. Until the day I damn well die.

~ a little white dove

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