Why of the Current

Why can’t I focus?

Why am I allowing myself to drift back into a rut?

Why does tomorrow exhaust me already when today has barely happened?

Why am I so hard to include in anything?

Why am I a recluse perfectly alright with being alone?

Why. Why. Why.

Always so much why. And for many it’s simply how their life is meant to develop. I’m currently in the process of juggling more than I can chew without feeling weighed down. I have my entire life to try and work with, my graduation, my classes, my students, my health. It’s manageable to an extent, but I prefer not being bogged down by consequential things as the main weight.

With that, I begin to shut down. Pull away, hide away, push everything to the side until I have to deal with it. And I’m running out of so much time that it’s becoming too much a habit and fall back when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I’m not ready to be an adult, but I’m ready to be far, far away from academia institutes and away from closed minds trying to mesh me into a shape and identity I’ve never been.

I can’t be shaped. Not so fun for me, either. Hence why I’m left in a type of limbo, with headaches left and right and a displeased look pulling at my face when I slip in masking it.

Now then- I need to be healthier. So tonight I’m doing yoga. Watching a lot of Dark Souls playthroughs lately, but they are fascinating to me in the lore.

I didn’t even bring myself to going to a bonfire tonight. I need out of this rut before it swallows me like depression enjoys doing. Mild it usually is, but it leaves a wicked mark.

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