More Meetings

And I’ll have to do them again in a week or two.

But this is the last curve of heavy duty assignments outside of my senior project. That will be rushed, but I’ve an idea of where it’s going.

It still won’t be great.

I’m fine with that. So long as I pass and can graduate.

I’m so damn tired. This isn’t good at all.

Topped off the evening with more terrible movies though.

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Thursday Meetings

All afternoon proceeding the class I’m aiding in.

I was such a bitch to one freshman- but he deserved it. Made him log into a computer rather than use his phone.

Otherwise it was smooth going. Getting lesson done. Getting things done. So little sleep though.

My diet consists of coffee nowadays. Sometimes healthy. Sometimes not.

I need to start doing yoga. Come Sunday I will.

Wednesday’s Surprises

Things went calm and smooth comparatively to Tuesday.

Mellow morning class. Followed by surprise pizza in the next. (Should have taken the free coffee and donut, not bought a bagel and coffee. Dammit.)

It was a mellow day all in all though. Felt less awful afterwards. But having stayed up the entire night preceding it, I napped for a while after classes.

Free pizza. That was totally unexpected.

Tuesday’s Breakdown

After my evening class. Came back overwhelmed.

So I broke down.

My mom worried about me. I worried about me. Binged on Taco Bell tacos and ice cream after brother came by. He’d had a rough week too.

So we watched the god awful Twilight Saga because it was something tangible to ground us and mock.

So much going on and I just don’t know how I’m going to get it all done.

A Day of Meetings

All. Day. Long.

It was exhausting. However three more scenes of mine have been relined, and most of my paperwork for applying for one internship is complete.

Still have a lesson to put together.

But I believe the lack of diversity among USA politics right now can cover diversity itself. We’re in an era where the few are represented on the grand scale. I believe it’s a topic worth talking about; making claims for neither party, but understanding the whole of the situation we millennials are left to take on while the aged continue to wreak havoc and divide us.

Perhaps I’m reaching.

But everyone I’ve talked to have agreed the topic has merit, and it matches one instructor’s look at a lack of diversity and the struggle a specific group faces.

Try we the people. We the young people. We of the generation breaking gender roles and expectations of careers, borders, and boundaries.

We are the next voice and seat. All the damage done falls to us, as they continue dividing us. Not all have succumbed, and I hope to see that the majority do not.

(Also still don’t have my voter registration card. Sigh.)

Slow Going

And more emails. Organization. Too much junk food and a nagging headache.

I have a week to put together a lesson. I just don’t give a shit.

7 weeks to go. More crap online among people I know in terms of political crap and ideas.

And I have meetings all day tomorrow. Lovely.

So much to do. I’ll be able to vigilantly work on my senior project though after November 1st. I can do this. Just will be bashing my skull against something until it’s done. (Figuratively.)

Frustration Reaching Peak

I’m…at my wits end in so many forms with so many reasons. It’s rather comical.

I’m functioning. I’m getting things done. All day I’ve been working with students, organizing things, and getting some other homework completed.

I even got a free cupcake!

And then this afternoon I also took two hours out of my day, polishing an online invite to my graduation in December.

Two hours of sifting editing, publishing- then writing a note for people to see on Facebook.

I wasn’t expecting much turn out.

In fact only a few acknowledged seeing it with ‘Likes’ and a few of the new reactions you can emote on the social media site.

No one has said a thing. Or said they were attending. I’m not surprised, and I was expecting it.

It still stings. Just a little.

First with the disaster of politics, and me trying to get people to delete me who supported the Republican candidate. (Personal reasons- my Democratic friends were not being so obnoxious so I left them alone.)

I’ve come to the point I had to unfollow one friend. His opinions and incapability of listening to another’s opinion without a snide remark has driven me insane.

Our entire political system is a joke to the world. Even they can’t figure out how we’ve come to this.

My graduation I wanted to be lowkey, anyway. Honestly I’m just so tired.

I’m constantly feeling like I’m collapsing. I can’t talk to my best friends. One is already a wreck and for whatever fucking reason keeps dodging communication.

The other is a know-it-all. Love her. But she’s aggravating.

My other friends…well…

I’m basically afloat on my own. I want my mom. But that will only help so much.

I need to deactivate social media tied to anyone I personally know. Thank whatever deity floats your boat they do not know of this journal.

I need so much space. Time. Distance. Clarity.

I need to shed this identity and placement and just be someone else somewhere else. Not a total identity facelift. I just need to be where I’ve no ties. It doesn’t guarantee me a lick of happiness. But it will give me a different perspective, and a different view on life. It will be different. Perhaps with people less selfishly centered.

I’m the vessel at their disposal.

I never learned how not to be. And it’s killing me. Can’t someone just ask, pry, stab and jab until whatever gooey mess comes leaking out? (Figuratively.)

I’m not a shattered mess. I’m empty and growing emptier. This isn’t the first time I’ve stated this. Nor will it be the last, with how my year is panning out.

It’s so, so hard to crawl out of bed, but I manage. It’s hard to eat some days, and some days it’s hard to stop.

It’s hard to find the positive when everyone is drowning.

I think I’ll call home tomorrow. And order more St. John’s Wort. I need to up my dosage. This needs to ease back until I’m done with college.

I’ll call home. Maybe I’ll finally fall apart at the seams. Maybe I need to. Or maybe I’ll continue stitching myself with makeshift quick-fixes while I wrestle with the massive amounts of homework still left to do.

I’m fucking sick of politics.

I’m fucking sick of people around me.

I wasn’t meant to sit behind concrete walls as I put myself in debt forever.

48 days to go.

Tiring,Tallied, Done

Or, rather, I’m drained with too much to do and trying to get it all done is kind of fucking awful.

Getting small things done.

Mom wanted to call and talk. ❤

So we did.

It was good to hear from her.

Bits and pieces. So tired. And overindulged in sweets. Oops. My day just wasn’t great. From waking up at 7:00am thinking my clock said 1:00pm- and not panicking. To my soup, frozen, exploding everywhere. To just no energy.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better…

Final Debate

Woke up to check a class thing online.

Went back to sleep.

Woke up around 2pm. Proceeded to take another half an hour.

Forgot the final presidential debate was tonight.

Watched it. Big mistake. Because supporters for Trump are vicious. Holy shit.

The debate itself was boring. But otherwise unexciting. And people are awful. Will write on it later this week after my head can clearly process.