I’m…at my wits end in so many forms with so many reasons. It’s rather comical.
I’m functioning. I’m getting things done. All day I’ve been working with students, organizing things, and getting some other homework completed.
I even got a free cupcake!
And then this afternoon I also took two hours out of my day, polishing an online invite to my graduation in December.
Two hours of sifting editing, publishing- then writing a note for people to see on Facebook.
I wasn’t expecting much turn out.
In fact only a few acknowledged seeing it with ‘Likes’ and a few of the new reactions you can emote on the social media site.
No one has said a thing. Or said they were attending. I’m not surprised, and I was expecting it.
It still stings. Just a little.
First with the disaster of politics, and me trying to get people to delete me who supported the Republican candidate. (Personal reasons- my Democratic friends were not being so obnoxious so I left them alone.)
I’ve come to the point I had to unfollow one friend. His opinions and incapability of listening to another’s opinion without a snide remark has driven me insane.
Our entire political system is a joke to the world. Even they can’t figure out how we’ve come to this.
My graduation I wanted to be lowkey, anyway. Honestly I’m just so tired.
I’m constantly feeling like I’m collapsing. I can’t talk to my best friends. One is already a wreck and for whatever fucking reason keeps dodging communication.
The other is a know-it-all. Love her. But she’s aggravating.
My other friends…well…
I’m basically afloat on my own. I want my mom. But that will only help so much.
I need to deactivate social media tied to anyone I personally know. Thank whatever deity floats your boat they do not know of this journal.
I need so much space. Time. Distance. Clarity.
I need to shed this identity and placement and just be someone else somewhere else. Not a total identity facelift. I just need to be where I’ve no ties. It doesn’t guarantee me a lick of happiness. But it will give me a different perspective, and a different view on life. It will be different. Perhaps with people less selfishly centered.
I’m the vessel at their disposal.
I never learned how not to be. And it’s killing me. Can’t someone just ask, pry, stab and jab until whatever gooey mess comes leaking out? (Figuratively.)
I’m not a shattered mess. I’m empty and growing emptier. This isn’t the first time I’ve stated this. Nor will it be the last, with how my year is panning out.
It’s so, so hard to crawl out of bed, but I manage. It’s hard to eat some days, and some days it’s hard to stop.
It’s hard to find the positive when everyone is drowning.
I think I’ll call home tomorrow. And order more St. John’s Wort. I need to up my dosage. This needs to ease back until I’m done with college.
I’ll call home. Maybe I’ll finally fall apart at the seams. Maybe I need to. Or maybe I’ll continue stitching myself with makeshift quick-fixes while I wrestle with the massive amounts of homework still left to do.
I’m fucking sick of politics.
I’m fucking sick of people around me.
I wasn’t meant to sit behind concrete walls as I put myself in debt forever.
48 days to go.