Notes

Too many notes. Too much to do.

But hey- it’s all getting done.

And the lack of sleep commences.

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Stars in Orion

It’s been a long day.

And I’m tired, quiet, and irritated.

Boys (no offense to my readers, but hear me out)- I swear they do not have the capacity to think sometimes. We had about 6 things to cook today, me and two friends were together for the holiday.

And I had to nag and nag at them to get it done.

The ham was meh. Not great. Not awful, not great.

My cider was excellent, as were my potatoes and the cheesecake my brother and I made.

Good news- I can indeed cook…when not given questionable items. 😉

Now, however, I’m rather tired.

But on the way back, above all, what made my day/night spectacular; was not the food, nor the games. It was in the cold, watching the stars zip by among the constellation of Orion. Falling stars, shooting stars- meteors, even.

For once the stars were clear in this large town.

It brought about a calm within me. 🙂

Happy Thanksgiving. ❤

Running Around

Honestly all I did. (So much for that homework, yeah?)

Food for Thursday.

Decorations to annoy my brother figure.

Me eating too much- but hey, protein?

A burrito for tomorrow saved.

And…yeah. I have a hair appointment at 10am tomorrow. I have copious amounts of homework still to do. And my mouth and tonsils hurt. I think allergies and the super hot burrito I had for lunch did me in.

Shouldn’t feel this heavy, but that’s probably the exhaustion kicking in. Will finish this cup and then crawl into bed for some rest.

Two weeks until this project is due. But hey- all of my clothes are here now?

Just Coloring

Avoiding messages. Waking up to random texts.

My shoes are here, and they fit perfectly.

Just missing a sweater. The slip I needed for a dress fits too- and it a little big. My tights should fit too.

And coloring.

I’m tired, and I haven’t really had a meal today. (Fuck me, right? But my appetite is gone.)

Ah well. Tomorrow will perhaps be more productive. (Besides groceries for Thanksgiving.)

Just coloring away. (I just want a coloring book- I’m not graded on that.)

#NoDAPL

I’ve only been doing homework. Small workouts in my chair, and had a meal full of protein and fruit this morning. (And so much coffee).

But on Facebook (yes I know I need to stay off that damned site), there were livestreams of the Dakota Access Pipeline “protests”. (More like a protective group over the indigenous and the water being put in harms way.)

It was bloody terrible. It was a fucking horrible thing to watch for hours.

Find Kevin Gilbertt’s video coverage on Facebook. (If they’re still there- if not, go to YouTube and Twitter).

It was so terrible to see. 😦

What a mess.

The Clouds Breathe

A song by The Glitch Mob. I don’t usually go for that electronic sound- but aside from Daft Punk I’m digging this group, and have for years.

I had pizza this evening. I don’t think my body agreed with it.

I’ll do some serious stretching, as well as all of the coloring, come the morrow.

I’m tired. This song is bittersweet. I feel very broken and isolated and tired.

But somehow very calm.

Music is a wondrous thing. I cannot wait to be done, to have graduated; so I can quietly fade off into another life as I rebuild my reality again. My obligations will have been met by that point, and life can rebuild.

I’m so depressing tonight.

Perhaps it was due to my phone scaring me with a lack of response to everything I did. I never reset it, after I got it to reboot (after 4 attempts). And then finding out the hair place I need to get hold of wasn’t open as long as their damned Facebook page said. And then I couldn’t do anymore homework. I just…sat. And thought. And sat. Tested yoga poses, but they’re beyond my current flexibility because I’m just caught in an endless rut and I need to breathe but I can’t.

I just can’t.

And no one gets that.

All it ever is is “hang in there <3” and “you’re almost there!” and it’s not what I need to fucking hear.

And no one gets that. No one.

I just want to be somewhere far from this. Because I can’t fucking breathe or focus and I just…lost all steam. Gone. Poof. I’m cracking.

I never expected 2016 to proceed like this. I expected that joke of a relationship to end. I expected the crunch time.

Hell, I expected my mom to not understand just how much that awful summer job wears me out.

But this bout of depression is early. It shouldn’t have hit until 2017 at the earliest. But it never left from 2015.

I’m not a suicidal mess. Nor am I blubbering mess. I’m an empty void continuously putting myself on the line for everyone with disregard to myself. Self destructive, yet I still stand again every fucking day. I don’t know how. I really don’t.

I do know, however, that this can’t keep going. And I’m more and more likely to find a ticket out.

I know some spectacular people.

But again- no one reaches their hand for me.

Even my best friend hasn’t. Neither have. One has kept me company these last days, more than the other. And in our uncertainty we’ve found warm company.

But I don’t have anyone grabbing me to keep me from falling further. I don’t have anyone gathering my pieces so I can pull myself back together. I’ve said this before. Probably repeatedly.

What a lonely world I exist in.

Recluse

I’m becoming a recluse again.

I didn’t get much done, besides paperwork. And the majority of my shots colored in one color. This weekend I’ll work on the rest.

I ate junk food all day. Sigh. Can’t afford to do that, when I’m not working out regularly.

And wasting food I don’t have.

Whatever. Some coloring has been done. And I’ll continue to persevere despite it all. Avoiding emails. Avoiding much contact.

Even one of my best friends isn’t responding much. If she wanted me to back off, I’d rather she say so than just read a message (which I’ve seen she had), and just not respond.

I’m being selfish. I don’t care. I’m pulling away.