The Clouds Breathe

A song by The Glitch Mob. I don’t usually go for that electronic sound- but aside from Daft Punk I’m digging this group, and have for years.

I had pizza this evening. I don’t think my body agreed with it.

I’ll do some serious stretching, as well as all of the coloring, come the morrow.

I’m tired. This song is bittersweet. I feel very broken and isolated and tired.

But somehow very calm.

Music is a wondrous thing. I cannot wait to be done, to have graduated; so I can quietly fade off into another life as I rebuild my reality again. My obligations will have been met by that point, and life can rebuild.

I’m so depressing tonight.

Perhaps it was due to my phone scaring me with a lack of response to everything I did. I never reset it, after I got it to reboot (after 4 attempts). And then finding out the hair place I need to get hold of wasn’t open as long as their damned Facebook page said. And then I couldn’t do anymore homework. I just…sat. And thought. And sat. Tested yoga poses, but they’re beyond my current flexibility because I’m just caught in an endless rut and I need to breathe but I can’t.

I just can’t.

And no one gets that.

All it ever is is “hang in there <3” and “you’re almost there!” and it’s not what I need to fucking hear.

And no one gets that. No one.

I just want to be somewhere far from this. Because I can’t fucking breathe or focus and I just…lost all steam. Gone. Poof. I’m cracking.

I never expected 2016 to proceed like this. I expected that joke of a relationship to end. I expected the crunch time.

Hell, I expected my mom to not understand just how much that awful summer job wears me out.

But this bout of depression is early. It shouldn’t have hit until 2017 at the earliest. But it never left from 2015.

I’m not a suicidal mess. Nor am I blubbering mess. I’m an empty void continuously putting myself on the line for everyone with disregard to myself. Self destructive, yet I still stand again every fucking day. I don’t know how. I really don’t.

I do know, however, that this can’t keep going. And I’m more and more likely to find a ticket out.

I know some spectacular people.

But again- no one reaches their hand for me.

Even my best friend hasn’t. Neither have. One has kept me company these last days, more than the other. And in our uncertainty we’ve found warm company.

But I don’t have anyone grabbing me to keep me from falling further. I don’t have anyone gathering my pieces so I can pull myself back together. I’ve said this before. Probably repeatedly.

What a lonely world I exist in.


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