The Clouds Breathe

A song by The Glitch Mob. I don’t usually go for that electronic sound- but aside from Daft Punk I’m digging this group, and have for years.

I had pizza this evening. I don’t think my body agreed with it.

I’ll do some serious stretching, as well as all of the coloring, come the morrow.

I’m tired. This song is bittersweet. I feel very broken and isolated and tired.

But somehow very calm.

Music is a wondrous thing. I cannot wait to be done, to have graduated; so I can quietly fade off into another life as I rebuild my reality again. My obligations will have been met by that point, and life can rebuild.

I’m so depressing tonight.

Perhaps it was due to my phone scaring me with a lack of response to everything I did. I never reset it, after I got it to reboot (after 4 attempts). And then finding out the hair place I need to get hold of wasn’t open as long as their damned Facebook page said. And then I couldn’t do anymore homework. I just…sat. And thought. And sat. Tested yoga poses, but they’re beyond my current flexibility because I’m just caught in an endless rut and I need to breathe but I can’t.

I just can’t.

And no one gets that.

All it ever is is “hang in there <3” and “you’re almost there!” and it’s not what I need to fucking hear.

And no one gets that. No one.

I just want to be somewhere far from this. Because I can’t fucking breathe or focus and I just…lost all steam. Gone. Poof. I’m cracking.

I never expected 2016 to proceed like this. I expected that joke of a relationship to end. I expected the crunch time.

Hell, I expected my mom to not understand just how much that awful summer job wears me out.

But this bout of depression is early. It shouldn’t have hit until 2017 at the earliest. But it never left from 2015.

I’m not a suicidal mess. Nor am I blubbering mess. I’m an empty void continuously putting myself on the line for everyone with disregard to myself. Self destructive, yet I still stand again every fucking day. I don’t know how. I really don’t.

I do know, however, that this can’t keep going. And I’m more and more likely to find a ticket out.

I know some spectacular people.

But again- no one reaches their hand for me.

Even my best friend hasn’t. Neither have. One has kept me company these last days, more than the other. And in our uncertainty we’ve found warm company.

But I don’t have anyone grabbing me to keep me from falling further. I don’t have anyone gathering my pieces so I can pull myself back together. I’ve said this before. Probably repeatedly.

What a lonely world I exist in.

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Election, 2016

I was nervous throughout the day.

I never expected to end my day in fear.

I wasn’t fortunate enough to have my voter registration in time to vote. The state in which I reside did vote for Clinton.

But to the dismay of many, wondering across the board what happened, we’re looking at reign of Donald Trump for four years.

An orange colored man, a sexist and racist Vice President, holding one of the most powerful positions in the first world.

And I see a select few people I know cheering; celebrating how a crook didn’t win. But they have no idea the damage done.

I’ve been on a tirade all across Facebook- posts ranging from fear and anger and more fear, to posts how Americans shouldn’t lose hope and that the sun will still rise and shine on us. And how we’ll unite together and fight for each other against whatever the government might throw our way.

I’m so beyond depressed I’m not functioning right. I drank four or so beers throughout part of it. Was not sober. Could still function well.

My two best friends are looking to grab their passports.

Two of us are terrified among the three. The other is worried, and trying to keep me afloat. I don’t know how to be afloat.

I’m drowning. As is so much of this country. And the globe is shaken and concerned.

We’ve damaged us.

We’ve divided us.

I’m livid. I respect a right to vote.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to be livid and rage and scream and cry and break apart as I watch my world crumble ever more. My rights as a woman. The rights of my gay/lesbian friends. The rights of the rising transgender populace. The rights of all color. The rights of immigrants. The asylum of Muslims fleeing their homes.

What have we fucking done?