Final Batch of Cookies to 2016

We made cookies. Mom bought more cigarettes. (Ugh to that last one.)

Now I’m sitting here with an aching back. Not doing what I should be doing in terms of exit counseling on those stupid fucking loans.

And irritated because my mom won’t go sleep in her own bed. I’ve fucking lost the couch tonight. And I’m pissed for no real reason. Other than my period started and I’m depressed like I have been for awhile. And I just want to be left alone.

And I’m paranoid she’s fucked my chances up to one internship so I can’t apply for it. Which it shouldn’t be a problem but it is.

And I’m miserable and I can’t fucking breathe and I just want to be left the fuck alone downstairs.

I’m swearing up a storm and I’m in hysterics and I shouldn’t be but I can’t stop it.

2016 can go and fuck itself. Even though 2017 is shaping to be a nightmare, too, perhaps I’ll find strength and purpose and understanding in what it is I want and need.

No more pressure from everyone. No more texts from people I don’t want to talk to.

However, I’m currently in a dilemma of posting something rather…brash and triggering on my Facebook page. About college, and the bad and the good (and the bad) that came with it. About politics and the divide and how I am so damn sick of the blatant hate spewing and disregard to listen to anyone outside your political view points. To which I’m guilty of, too- but I’ve acknowledged it and have been working on that for over a year. I’m not perfect, but dammit I’m one of few trying. And of depression and anxiety and the blatant fact that I am not okay. And I’ll continue to have these issues even decades down the line. Because they do not just go away. They pass, and I have a reprieve. And then the return again and I’ve no way to make them vanish for the rest of my life. Of the disregard, the disrespect, and the stigma. Of the fact I am so done. And I’m done being put on a pedestal I’ve told people to stop putting me on.

I don’t know what to do. It’ll trigger drama, or remain ignored and I can vanish from their stupid social media world. I can live in peace, perhaps, from their narrowminded stupidity or perhaps I can start over (in time) on there altogether.

Basically. I’m done. 2016 is ending. And I’ll reflect on that year tomorrow as my last real post on this blog. But also, I’ve finished college. And I’m not going to be the same person by the end of 2017.

I’m tired of people projecting their image of me, when really I’m a stranger. Even to my mother. I’ve become a stranger.

At least we didn’t botch the cookies this time.

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Not Enough Sleep.

But hey- I got a package from my guy!

He knows how to treat his lady…quite well.

Anyway, sleeping pattern out of whack. Ears hurt. Lungs hurt. I’m not even sick. This is my body attacking itself. Lovely.

Oh well. Made his day. And he made mine. Especially after a friend butchered cutting my hair…greeeaaat. Now I kinda wanna keep long hair for a good while after this. (I’m not mad. It’s hair. Mine is healthy. It’ll grow back.)

Now if only I could sleep…and I still want that cookie…

Superbowl Sunday

A long, long walk. And petting puppy dogs. Those were my highlights of the day. I don’t care much for football. I’d been hoping Denver would lose. My hopes were crushed there…

My brother figure brought me cookies today. Had promised me some before the incident last night. However, he then stuck around to make sure I was okay.

Roommate was mad that I’d left her alone at half time. I’d intended to return. But I just lost track of time, and needed to vent to someone who understood. Doesn’t help she can’t stand him, either…

Called home a little bit go. It was nice to talk to my mom. ❤

Biology doesn’t mean a lick in this family. I’ve known that for ages now… Still ridiculous.

I’m fine though. I have yoga at noon. Eventually finish homework. Just steps at a time…

My refund needs to come through. I need to buy more St. John’s Wort… This bout of depression is kicking me in the ass for sure.