We made cookies. Mom bought more cigarettes. (Ugh to that last one.)
Now I’m sitting here with an aching back. Not doing what I should be doing in terms of exit counseling on those stupid fucking loans.
And irritated because my mom won’t go sleep in her own bed. I’ve fucking lost the couch tonight. And I’m pissed for no real reason. Other than my period started and I’m depressed like I have been for awhile. And I just want to be left alone.
And I’m paranoid she’s fucked my chances up to one internship so I can’t apply for it. Which it shouldn’t be a problem but it is.
And I’m miserable and I can’t fucking breathe and I just want to be left the fuck alone downstairs.
I’m swearing up a storm and I’m in hysterics and I shouldn’t be but I can’t stop it.
2016 can go and fuck itself. Even though 2017 is shaping to be a nightmare, too, perhaps I’ll find strength and purpose and understanding in what it is I want and need.
No more pressure from everyone. No more texts from people I don’t want to talk to.
However, I’m currently in a dilemma of posting something rather…brash and triggering on my Facebook page. About college, and the bad and the good (and the bad) that came with it. About politics and the divide and how I am so damn sick of the blatant hate spewing and disregard to listen to anyone outside your political view points. To which I’m guilty of, too- but I’ve acknowledged it and have been working on that for over a year. I’m not perfect, but dammit I’m one of few trying. And of depression and anxiety and the blatant fact that I am not okay. And I’ll continue to have these issues even decades down the line. Because they do not just go away. They pass, and I have a reprieve. And then the return again and I’ve no way to make them vanish for the rest of my life. Of the disregard, the disrespect, and the stigma. Of the fact I am so done. And I’m done being put on a pedestal I’ve told people to stop putting me on.
I don’t know what to do. It’ll trigger drama, or remain ignored and I can vanish from their stupid social media world. I can live in peace, perhaps, from their narrowminded stupidity or perhaps I can start over (in time) on there altogether.
Basically. I’m done. 2016 is ending. And I’ll reflect on that year tomorrow as my last real post on this blog. But also, I’ve finished college. And I’m not going to be the same person by the end of 2017.
I’m tired of people projecting their image of me, when really I’m a stranger. Even to my mother. I’ve become a stranger.
At least we didn’t botch the cookies this time.