Final Batch of Cookies to 2016

We made cookies. Mom bought more cigarettes. (Ugh to that last one.)

Now I’m sitting here with an aching back. Not doing what I should be doing in terms of exit counseling on those stupid fucking loans.

And irritated because my mom won’t go sleep in her own bed. I’ve fucking lost the couch tonight. And I’m pissed for no real reason. Other than my period started and I’m depressed like I have been for awhile. And I just want to be left alone.

And I’m paranoid she’s fucked my chances up to one internship so I can’t apply for it. Which it shouldn’t be a problem but it is.

And I’m miserable and I can’t fucking breathe and I just want to be left the fuck alone downstairs.

I’m swearing up a storm and I’m in hysterics and I shouldn’t be but I can’t stop it.

2016 can go and fuck itself. Even though 2017 is shaping to be a nightmare, too, perhaps I’ll find strength and purpose and understanding in what it is I want and need.

No more pressure from everyone. No more texts from people I don’t want to talk to.

However, I’m currently in a dilemma of posting something rather…brash and triggering on my Facebook page. About college, and the bad and the good (and the bad) that came with it. About politics and the divide and how I am so damn sick of the blatant hate spewing and disregard to listen to anyone outside your political view points. To which I’m guilty of, too- but I’ve acknowledged it and have been working on that for over a year. I’m not perfect, but dammit I’m one of few trying. And of depression and anxiety and the blatant fact that I am not okay. And I’ll continue to have these issues even decades down the line. Because they do not just go away. They pass, and I have a reprieve. And then the return again and I’ve no way to make them vanish for the rest of my life. Of the disregard, the disrespect, and the stigma. Of the fact I am so done. And I’m done being put on a pedestal I’ve told people to stop putting me on.

I don’t know what to do. It’ll trigger drama, or remain ignored and I can vanish from their stupid social media world. I can live in peace, perhaps, from their narrowminded stupidity or perhaps I can start over (in time) on there altogether.

Basically. I’m done. 2016 is ending. And I’ll reflect on that year tomorrow as my last real post on this blog. But also, I’ve finished college. And I’m not going to be the same person by the end of 2017.

I’m tired of people projecting their image of me, when really I’m a stranger. Even to my mother. I’ve become a stranger.

At least we didn’t botch the cookies this time.


Frustration Reaching Peak

I’m…at my wits end in so many forms with so many reasons. It’s rather comical.

I’m functioning. I’m getting things done. All day I’ve been working with students, organizing things, and getting some other homework completed.

I even got a free cupcake!

And then this afternoon I also took two hours out of my day, polishing an online invite to my graduation in December.

Two hours of sifting editing, publishing- then writing a note for people to see on Facebook.

I wasn’t expecting much turn out.

In fact only a few acknowledged seeing it with ‘Likes’ and a few of the new reactions you can emote on the social media site.

No one has said a thing. Or said they were attending. I’m not surprised, and I was expecting it.

It still stings. Just a little.

First with the disaster of politics, and me trying to get people to delete me who supported the Republican candidate. (Personal reasons- my Democratic friends were not being so obnoxious so I left them alone.)

I’ve come to the point I had to unfollow one friend. His opinions and incapability of listening to another’s opinion without a snide remark has driven me insane.

Our entire political system is a joke to the world. Even they can’t figure out how we’ve come to this.

My graduation I wanted to be lowkey, anyway. Honestly I’m just so tired.

I’m constantly feeling like I’m collapsing. I can’t talk to my best friends. One is already a wreck and for whatever fucking reason keeps dodging communication.

The other is a know-it-all. Love her. But she’s aggravating.

My other friends…well…

I’m basically afloat on my own. I want my mom. But that will only help so much.

I need to deactivate social media tied to anyone I personally know. Thank whatever deity floats your boat they do not know of this journal.

I need so much space. Time. Distance. Clarity.

I need to shed this identity and placement and just be someone else somewhere else. Not a total identity facelift. I just need to be where I’ve no ties. It doesn’t guarantee me a lick of happiness. But it will give me a different perspective, and a different view on life. It will be different. Perhaps with people less selfishly centered.

I’m the vessel at their disposal.

I never learned how not to be. And it’s killing me. Can’t someone just ask, pry, stab and jab until whatever gooey mess comes leaking out? (Figuratively.)

I’m not a shattered mess. I’m empty and growing emptier. This isn’t the first time I’ve stated this. Nor will it be the last, with how my year is panning out.

It’s so, so hard to crawl out of bed, but I manage. It’s hard to eat some days, and some days it’s hard to stop.

It’s hard to find the positive when everyone is drowning.

I think I’ll call home tomorrow. And order more St. John’s Wort. I need to up my dosage. This needs to ease back until I’m done with college.

I’ll call home. Maybe I’ll finally fall apart at the seams. Maybe I need to. Or maybe I’ll continue stitching myself with makeshift quick-fixes while I wrestle with the massive amounts of homework still left to do.

I’m fucking sick of politics.

I’m fucking sick of people around me.

I wasn’t meant to sit behind concrete walls as I put myself in debt forever.

48 days to go.

Thursday Walks and Coffee

Had my presentation. No clue how well or bad I did.

It’s over and done with.

Only one more in a month from now.

Took the rest of the day off. Walked around campus with a friend, another friend joined us. We went searching for coffee, grabbed dinner.

Spending more money than I should be oh well. 😉

It was a good afternoon and evening.

Nothing fancy. Just simple.