Final Batch of Cookies to 2016

We made cookies. Mom bought more cigarettes. (Ugh to that last one.)

Now I’m sitting here with an aching back. Not doing what I should be doing in terms of exit counseling on those stupid fucking loans.

And irritated because my mom won’t go sleep in her own bed. I’ve fucking lost the couch tonight. And I’m pissed for no real reason. Other than my period started and I’m depressed like I have been for awhile. And I just want to be left alone.

And I’m paranoid she’s fucked my chances up to one internship so I can’t apply for it. Which it shouldn’t be a problem but it is.

And I’m miserable and I can’t fucking breathe and I just want to be left the fuck alone downstairs.

I’m swearing up a storm and I’m in hysterics and I shouldn’t be but I can’t stop it.

2016 can go and fuck itself. Even though 2017 is shaping to be a nightmare, too, perhaps I’ll find strength and purpose and understanding in what it is I want and need.

No more pressure from everyone. No more texts from people I don’t want to talk to.

However, I’m currently in a dilemma of posting something rather…brash and triggering on my Facebook page. About college, and the bad and the good (and the bad) that came with it. About politics and the divide and how I am so damn sick of the blatant hate spewing and disregard to listen to anyone outside your political view points. To which I’m guilty of, too- but I’ve acknowledged it and have been working on that for over a year. I’m not perfect, but dammit I’m one of few trying. And of depression and anxiety and the blatant fact that I am not okay. And I’ll continue to have these issues even decades down the line. Because they do not just go away. They pass, and I have a reprieve. And then the return again and I’ve no way to make them vanish for the rest of my life. Of the disregard, the disrespect, and the stigma. Of the fact I am so done. And I’m done being put on a pedestal I’ve told people to stop putting me on.

I don’t know what to do. It’ll trigger drama, or remain ignored and I can vanish from their stupid social media world. I can live in peace, perhaps, from their narrowminded stupidity or perhaps I can start over (in time) on there altogether.

Basically. I’m done. 2016 is ending. And I’ll reflect on that year tomorrow as my last real post on this blog. But also, I’ve finished college. And I’m not going to be the same person by the end of 2017.

I’m tired of people projecting their image of me, when really I’m a stranger. Even to my mother. I’ve become a stranger.

At least we didn’t botch the cookies this time.

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Regret That Choice

My teacher got my files. Told me congrats.

My mom’s been a huge help with packing me up.

My “friends” came to town, and I’d rather ship them home.

I’ll elaborate tomorrow.

I hurt. I’m tired. I have a long day ahead.

And I’m feeling a bit empty. I’ve moved out of my dorm…

And I already miss that crappy little space.

Recluse

I’m becoming a recluse again.

I didn’t get much done, besides paperwork. And the majority of my shots colored in one color. This weekend I’ll work on the rest.

I ate junk food all day. Sigh. Can’t afford to do that, when I’m not working out regularly.

And wasting food I don’t have.

Whatever. Some coloring has been done. And I’ll continue to persevere despite it all. Avoiding emails. Avoiding much contact.

Even one of my best friends isn’t responding much. If she wanted me to back off, I’d rather she say so than just read a message (which I’ve seen she had), and just not respond.

I’m being selfish. I don’t care. I’m pulling away.

$64.97 Down The Drain

I spent that much on a pair of heels.

They’re burgundy. And cute. And my feet are so small, the height of the heel won’t kill me…

I have no regrets. Kinda. Need to do homework and haven’t touched it in days.

I need to work out for four weeks though. Yikes.

I still need a slip and some tights or leggings, though.

Also I have advice- when ruining shoes, switch to wearing marshmallows. (Inside joke. I have good best friends. 😉 )

Homework? Productive? Ha!

So to put into perspective- I woke up with a massive headache. You know- the type with a pulse? Yeah. One of those. So I remained in bed for hours. Finally crawled out sometime after 1pm my time.

Proceeded to hunt down coffee, curse out the wind for inducing such a headache.

Brother then appeared later. We grabbed food. More coffee. And rewatched Silent Hill.

Is it bad that I find the character of Pyramid Head a fascinating study?

I have a goal, post graduation; while trying to find work/internships, I’ll be doing character studies on several monster characters; faced in video games more likely, but whatever catches my eye. Break down of the body. Of the character itself.

I’m excited!

More Meetings

And I’ll have to do them again in a week or two.

But this is the last curve of heavy duty assignments outside of my senior project. That will be rushed, but I’ve an idea of where it’s going.

It still won’t be great.

I’m fine with that. So long as I pass and can graduate.

I’m so damn tired. This isn’t good at all.

Topped off the evening with more terrible movies though.