An End. 2016 Goodbye. A Reflection On The Endeavor.

Welcome, 2017. And hello to the final post I’ll make on this account (besides a potential redirection to my own website/blog series to be decided on later- I promise, if anyone has interest on that please do let me know.)

It’s been…an insane year. Wonderful, terrible, anxiety riddled, adventurous, and reeling with depression.

That’s right. That sums it all up. Chaos. Insanity, even.

I went from a flirting long distance weirdness, to a long distance relationship, to being ghosted (and still pursued later on by the Scorpio, and later another Virgo. And a Leo from my Astronomy class a few years back.)

Everyone still thinks I’m dating one brother figure of mine.

I learned to open more to love, but have yet to fall into a love so deep my soul feels at peace.

I have not experienced true heartbreak. But damn did I get a sweet new tattoo at the end of the summer.

I attended a wedding of a childhood friend another brother figure (the latter of which I want to wring his neck lately). Their relationship reflects everything I don’t want- good to know for me. I wish them all the love, and all the best, and all the joy I can muster.

I got to co-teach a freshmen class during my final semester of college.

My Senior Project flopped, and I still passed with an A.

I witnessed the worst of the current USA. I’ve watched our politics divide, and the immersion of religion into a system that can only lead to hate and spite at this rate.

I’ve had to decide, on myself, who I am and who I am not.

I fucking graduated college! I finished, in nine semesters. I finished, with debt to repay. But I finished. On my own. With just under a 4.0.

And I’ve been betrayed, isolated. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been happy. My heart has matured a bit more. And I’ve shed so much of myself again; for the final major time for a good long while to come.

I tried, at the beginning of these, to express haughty eloquence.

While I can write in such a style with ease; the real me is still raw and messy. I’m a cataclysm, really; a disaster people swear is beautiful but under 10 of them can really handle.

I’ve learned to embrace mayhem as it comes, and to ride its tide until I can put my feet back into the sand; and walk again.

In the past year, my depression has spiked and lasted the entire year. That’s been a first, but it has been rough.

Let’s start with the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing. That’s a milestone to overcome. For ten years, he has been absent from my life. And on further reflection, the girl I had been at that time is long gone.

She’s gone. Dead in part, really. And never again will I be her. And it’s that realization, of how much I’ve changed, and how much time has passed, that the notion of letting pieces of myself became prevalent this year as a lot of my life has indeed changed along with it.

As time passes, and as life takes me on its journey- more of me will fall away, to let room in for the new pieces of me that grow. New experiences. New people. I have to sacrifice parts, to become the person I’m…well…becoming. (Haaa.)

I’m allowed to mourn those pieces of me, and walk away from the incredulity and the skeptical eyes.

Let’s take a look, next, at me and “relationships”.

In all honesty, now that I reflect on it- I was being incredibly stupid and taking a risk I knew I shouldn’t. But my boredom, the attention, and the defiance of everything I’d been taught.

The attention was nice, and it broke me from a lot of my shell. And it could have escalated, or dissolved, into something pretty terrible.

A long distance relationship, based on the internet? The appeal is there, and the attention without spending physical contact with someone you’re not sure about is lovely.

However, I wasted far too much time and attention on one person. That was my biggest mistake. And I’m glad it happened as it did, rather than put me in some serious predicaments in a present, physical relationship.

It did hurt, I won’t lie, getting ghosted like I had. I prefer honesty. Done with me? Tell me. Don’t expect me to remain hooked forever. But I was never devastated. Simply addicted to the attention. Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make for the next one.

I’m currently hovering over the block button on twitter for this idiot. Should I message asking him to let go and leave me be? Or simply block him from contacting me and moving on.

Regardless, the lesson taken? Don’t cater and hang onto someone’s attention 24/7. And know your own damn worth. I know what it is I don’t want. I need…a gentle soul, strong enough to ride out my temper or anxiety that leads to me stressed and frenzied. But I need a soul with integrity in line with my own.

And I know assholes. I attract assholes. And I’m not attracted to assholes.

I’m fine. All is great. I’m single forever (kidding, maybe) until I relocate and just…live.

Which brings me to politics, real quick. On the basis of integrity- this country is so broken and divided. We elected an absolute moron, or a cruel cruel psychopath (who is entirely aware of what he’s doing, and playing stupid).

Because civil rights aren’t important enough, apparently. That is the basis for people I know who argue why he’s better than Clinton. (She wasn’t ideal. But she has done work that stood up for civil rights acts. It’s basic research to know this, my god.)

So as I lean closer to hittin’ the ol’ quarter-century (25, people- I’m about to turn 25), I’m divided among people. I’m neither a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m an independent, free-thinker, finding good and terrible ideals in both parties. More importantly, on the topic of integrity, I refuse to associate with hate. Apathy, is all me. Hate I will not participate in.

I cannot teach the fools. So if a fight must come to save our rights, and break the establishment of a biased, self-serving government; so be it. But standing in my way will prove the fool’s choice on their part, should they.

Am I about to become an activist? It’s possible. But I swear to nothing. It all depends on what our government decides to do.

Now, this leads to college. Ah, how I should have volunteered more and gone and immersed myself in activities and events. Lesson learned- but to be fair, depression and copious amounts of classwork pretty much locked me away. As did exhaustion.

Three bouts, I think, of depression hit me while in college. For various reasons, to no reasons at all.

I’ve questioned if the degree I chose to pursue was right for me. I questioned transferring to a college elsewhere. I’ve worried about loans to pay back. I’ve worried about if I’m even good enough.

And in the end- it doesn’t matter. I have a piece of paper (or will, when it finally reaches me), saying I’m now qualified in something or another.

Really, though, this was just a way to force me to focus on something.

I graduated, knowing my Senior Project was not adequate. But my instructor passed me with a high grade. I walked at my ceremony. I had that day ruined by two idiots from back home, not even staying through the entire commencement. In fact…even my mom didn’t. She had a valid reason, at least.

I didn’t feel accomplished that day. Now three weeks passed. Through barely managing to roll out of bed for nine semesters, conflicted thoughts, and sheer perseverance and a bad habit of procrastinating…

The education system is broken. It’s become increasingly easy to pass some of these classes, and the system doesn’t care really about its students. It wants money and statistics to boost revenue and status.

But I pulled through. I was strong. I was stubborn. I broke many times, but I did pull through.

But at what cost? Loss of myself, for the process of becoming someone new I’d never expected. With this degree- one for animation and visual effects, I no longer am sure to what it is I really want to be doing.

Initially, concept in game design was my key goal. However, I’ve let that rigid desire go. If it happens, that’d be fantastic! I’d love to try it for a bit. But for now, I’m not ready, most likely, to go that route.

For the next year, I’ll be poking at my options. I’ll be finessing what I know, and gathering resources to learn more. I’m dabbling with the idea to create a website/blog to discuss media- books, games, movies. Exploring plot and character/creature development, breaking them down into the positives and the negatives; in a way not so critically harsh in bias, and exploring character creation in what they are and why they have (or don’t) appeal.

But career-wise? I don’t know.

So I’ll explore hobbies as I widdle down what inventory of clothing and odds and ends I have. A whole year to spring cleaning! I’ll explore photography. And perhaps start dancing as a means of exercise for the sheer hell of it. Meanwhile devising plans and places and everything under the sun to get me where I need to go.

Entering into 2017, I’m at a crossroads of about 20 split paths. I don’t know who it is I am, as I stand here in stasis. That doesn’t deter me. Really, I embrace this unknown and uncertainty. I have one life term goal, beyond moving out of the state of New Mexico; go to the Highlands of Scotland for a year and write.

By heart, I’m a writer first more than anything else. That is the core of whoever I have been this entire time, besides my love for dogs and firm stance on habitat protection and conservation.

Entering into 2017, I’m exploring my options with a quiet, slightly broken grace. I’m not whole. I’m scarred by life and still carry the weight of many things I’m in the process of letting fly away. This year I have hopes for seeing a doctor to test for autoimmune issues I’m dealing with, getting a few of my teeth checked out; overall health to improve. I walk into this year with my head held high in regards to my own policy of protecting and pushing for human rights. I fumble with what it is I’m meant to become, as I get rid of the old to downgrade my life to something simpler.

I’ll be taking inventory, and making a GoFundMe for equipment I do need to start getting the ball rolling for a career/general practice of my own learned skillsets.

I walk into this year with eyes for evermore ink, and some new piercings I’m tempter by.

I’m going for a healthier life; actively, mentally, emotionally.

2017 will no doubt be rocky.

I cannot wallow in the despair remaining from the previous year. I’ll continue to walk with this worry plaguing me, but breathing and remembering day by day I’m alive and that’s a miracle if ever there was one.

2016 was about change- I was not wrong. I changed.

I grew up, calmed down. I found my footing in my own beliefs and my own stance on the world. While that has brought some ridicule, people have finally let me have it for I’ve finally found the words to describe it.

Toxins plaguing me I’m leaving behind in the pursuit of my own happiness; a life I deserve.

I cannot tell you what 2017 will mean. A reprieve? A year of action? A year of more change? The deciding year for many of us in our choices made/to make?

In all honesty this one eludes me.

Yet here I am, taking that first step of a brand new year.

I would like to thank all of you personally for reading these, for bearing with my slight insanity, my continued swearing, and my shenanigans. For being a part of my world, indulging in it, and taking a piece of it with you.

May this year bring about prosperity and kindness to all of you still reading.

(And know that my inbox is always open!)

From me to you, dear reader-

A Little Dove of White [aka C. Beasley]

twittahoriginal

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Graduate

I’m a graduate now. With my Bachelor’s on its way to my mailbox after today.

I’m so pissed at the two “friends” who came down, they couldn’t even stay through the entire ceremony.

My mom insisted even after we take them with us to lunch.

I didn’t want to. But I grinned and bore it.

Then we proceeded to go to the Pub I always frequented. My brother joined us. But of course they bitched until he showed up.

One made a snide remark. And I cut him down, only after (before the bro showed) about prices there for drinks.

So exhausted.

Regret That Choice

My teacher got my files. Told me congrats.

My mom’s been a huge help with packing me up.

My “friends” came to town, and I’d rather ship them home.

I’ll elaborate tomorrow.

I hurt. I’m tired. I have a long day ahead.

And I’m feeling a bit empty. I’ve moved out of my dorm…

And I already miss that crappy little space.

Saturday Wasted Away

Honestly I don’t have much to say beyond that.

Introspectively processing and contemplating.

My poor senior project. It’s doomed to be a botched mess. However, I’m content so long as I get it working and functioning and turned in on time, I’ve no qualms as to the quality of it. I’ll have time post graduation to make better work. On my own time.

Oh well.

Had coffee with a friend.

Also getting poked on Facebook by kind of friend. How bizarre.

Frustration Reaching Peak

I’m…at my wits end in so many forms with so many reasons. It’s rather comical.

I’m functioning. I’m getting things done. All day I’ve been working with students, organizing things, and getting some other homework completed.

I even got a free cupcake!

And then this afternoon I also took two hours out of my day, polishing an online invite to my graduation in December.

Two hours of sifting editing, publishing- then writing a note for people to see on Facebook.

I wasn’t expecting much turn out.

In fact only a few acknowledged seeing it with ‘Likes’ and a few of the new reactions you can emote on the social media site.

No one has said a thing. Or said they were attending. I’m not surprised, and I was expecting it.

It still stings. Just a little.

First with the disaster of politics, and me trying to get people to delete me who supported the Republican candidate. (Personal reasons- my Democratic friends were not being so obnoxious so I left them alone.)

I’ve come to the point I had to unfollow one friend. His opinions and incapability of listening to another’s opinion without a snide remark has driven me insane.

Our entire political system is a joke to the world. Even they can’t figure out how we’ve come to this.

My graduation I wanted to be lowkey, anyway. Honestly I’m just so tired.

I’m constantly feeling like I’m collapsing. I can’t talk to my best friends. One is already a wreck and for whatever fucking reason keeps dodging communication.

The other is a know-it-all. Love her. But she’s aggravating.

My other friends…well…

I’m basically afloat on my own. I want my mom. But that will only help so much.

I need to deactivate social media tied to anyone I personally know. Thank whatever deity floats your boat they do not know of this journal.

I need so much space. Time. Distance. Clarity.

I need to shed this identity and placement and just be someone else somewhere else. Not a total identity facelift. I just need to be where I’ve no ties. It doesn’t guarantee me a lick of happiness. But it will give me a different perspective, and a different view on life. It will be different. Perhaps with people less selfishly centered.

I’m the vessel at their disposal.

I never learned how not to be. And it’s killing me. Can’t someone just ask, pry, stab and jab until whatever gooey mess comes leaking out? (Figuratively.)

I’m not a shattered mess. I’m empty and growing emptier. This isn’t the first time I’ve stated this. Nor will it be the last, with how my year is panning out.

It’s so, so hard to crawl out of bed, but I manage. It’s hard to eat some days, and some days it’s hard to stop.

It’s hard to find the positive when everyone is drowning.

I think I’ll call home tomorrow. And order more St. John’s Wort. I need to up my dosage. This needs to ease back until I’m done with college.

I’ll call home. Maybe I’ll finally fall apart at the seams. Maybe I need to. Or maybe I’ll continue stitching myself with makeshift quick-fixes while I wrestle with the massive amounts of homework still left to do.

I’m fucking sick of politics.

I’m fucking sick of people around me.

I wasn’t meant to sit behind concrete walls as I put myself in debt forever.

48 days to go.

That Was A Bad Decision

Near alcohol poisoning.

I’m swearing off most alcohol for a LONG TIME. Puked my guts out. Had nothing in my guts to begin with. So there went that necessary acid from the belly.

Love my friends. But some I just can’t be with for long periods of time.

Love ’em. But lordy I can’t fathom how narrow-minded they were and are.

Thursday Walks and Coffee

Had my presentation. No clue how well or bad I did.

It’s over and done with.

Only one more in a month from now.

Took the rest of the day off. Walked around campus with a friend, another friend joined us. We went searching for coffee, grabbed dinner.

Spending more money than I should be oh well. 😉

It was a good afternoon and evening.

Nothing fancy. Just simple.

Suicide Squad

It was alright.

Not bad. Not great. But entertaining. And I got to see it for free. 😉 Sorry to my friend that tagged along. But I found it to be some type of karmic justice for their attitude earlier today.

Shopping was only partly successful.

Everything was expensive.

I have no idea how I’m going to survive for a month food-wise, but I will manage.

It’s hard to believe I leave on Sunday for my very last semester. It’s nerve-wracking. I’m so close to being done. But then what comes after, and the process of the clock counting down so quickly. It’s all a slew of chaos.

I’m used to chaos being normal for me. However it still brings a bout of uncertainty.

Just hanging on tight, and I’ll undoubtedly find my way.

Until then I’ll lose myself in my own insanity for a time and take the dives as they come. 😉

Sundays, Alcohol, Ugh…

So they kept me at their place an extra day. Not the cleanest place. But they were happy to have me and wanted to keep me around longer.

However I’m now swearing off of alcohol for a while. After puking at 1am, being dizzy… Yeah, time to keep to a healthier lifestyle.

Which is a shame. I lost most of my dinner through that.

The company was nice, though. And the gaming. 🙂

But…I’ve missed my mom. 😦 I may be 24, but I’m deeply attached to my mom. So being away is hard. Always is. Even when I’m away at college, the initial separation is taxing.

But I manage. 🙂 I always do. And so does she. ❤