An End. 2016 Goodbye. A Reflection On The Endeavor.

Welcome, 2017. And hello to the final post I’ll make on this account (besides a potential redirection to my own website/blog series to be decided on later- I promise, if anyone has interest on that please do let me know.)

It’s been…an insane year. Wonderful, terrible, anxiety riddled, adventurous, and reeling with depression.

That’s right. That sums it all up. Chaos. Insanity, even.

I went from a flirting long distance weirdness, to a long distance relationship, to being ghosted (and still pursued later on by the Scorpio, and later another Virgo. And a Leo from my Astronomy class a few years back.)

Everyone still thinks I’m dating one brother figure of mine.

I learned to open more to love, but have yet to fall into a love so deep my soul feels at peace.

I have not experienced true heartbreak. But damn did I get a sweet new tattoo at the end of the summer.

I attended a wedding of a childhood friend another brother figure (the latter of which I want to wring his neck lately). Their relationship reflects everything I don’t want- good to know for me. I wish them all the love, and all the best, and all the joy I can muster.

I got to co-teach a freshmen class during my final semester of college.

My Senior Project flopped, and I still passed with an A.

I witnessed the worst of the current USA. I’ve watched our politics divide, and the immersion of religion into a system that can only lead to hate and spite at this rate.

I’ve had to decide, on myself, who I am and who I am not.

I fucking graduated college! I finished, in nine semesters. I finished, with debt to repay. But I finished. On my own. With just under a 4.0.

And I’ve been betrayed, isolated. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been happy. My heart has matured a bit more. And I’ve shed so much of myself again; for the final major time for a good long while to come.

I tried, at the beginning of these, to express haughty eloquence.

While I can write in such a style with ease; the real me is still raw and messy. I’m a cataclysm, really; a disaster people swear is beautiful but under 10 of them can really handle.

I’ve learned to embrace mayhem as it comes, and to ride its tide until I can put my feet back into the sand; and walk again.

In the past year, my depression has spiked and lasted the entire year. That’s been a first, but it has been rough.

Let’s start with the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing. That’s a milestone to overcome. For ten years, he has been absent from my life. And on further reflection, the girl I had been at that time is long gone.

She’s gone. Dead in part, really. And never again will I be her. And it’s that realization, of how much I’ve changed, and how much time has passed, that the notion of letting pieces of myself became prevalent this year as a lot of my life has indeed changed along with it.

As time passes, and as life takes me on its journey- more of me will fall away, to let room in for the new pieces of me that grow. New experiences. New people. I have to sacrifice parts, to become the person I’m…well…becoming. (Haaa.)

I’m allowed to mourn those pieces of me, and walk away from the incredulity and the skeptical eyes.

Let’s take a look, next, at me and “relationships”.

In all honesty, now that I reflect on it- I was being incredibly stupid and taking a risk I knew I shouldn’t. But my boredom, the attention, and the defiance of everything I’d been taught.

The attention was nice, and it broke me from a lot of my shell. And it could have escalated, or dissolved, into something pretty terrible.

A long distance relationship, based on the internet? The appeal is there, and the attention without spending physical contact with someone you’re not sure about is lovely.

However, I wasted far too much time and attention on one person. That was my biggest mistake. And I’m glad it happened as it did, rather than put me in some serious predicaments in a present, physical relationship.

It did hurt, I won’t lie, getting ghosted like I had. I prefer honesty. Done with me? Tell me. Don’t expect me to remain hooked forever. But I was never devastated. Simply addicted to the attention. Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make for the next one.

I’m currently hovering over the block button on twitter for this idiot. Should I message asking him to let go and leave me be? Or simply block him from contacting me and moving on.

Regardless, the lesson taken? Don’t cater and hang onto someone’s attention 24/7. And know your own damn worth. I know what it is I don’t want. I need…a gentle soul, strong enough to ride out my temper or anxiety that leads to me stressed and frenzied. But I need a soul with integrity in line with my own.

And I know assholes. I attract assholes. And I’m not attracted to assholes.

I’m fine. All is great. I’m single forever (kidding, maybe) until I relocate and just…live.

Which brings me to politics, real quick. On the basis of integrity- this country is so broken and divided. We elected an absolute moron, or a cruel cruel psychopath (who is entirely aware of what he’s doing, and playing stupid).

Because civil rights aren’t important enough, apparently. That is the basis for people I know who argue why he’s better than Clinton. (She wasn’t ideal. But she has done work that stood up for civil rights acts. It’s basic research to know this, my god.)

So as I lean closer to hittin’ the ol’ quarter-century (25, people- I’m about to turn 25), I’m divided among people. I’m neither a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m an independent, free-thinker, finding good and terrible ideals in both parties. More importantly, on the topic of integrity, I refuse to associate with hate. Apathy, is all me. Hate I will not participate in.

I cannot teach the fools. So if a fight must come to save our rights, and break the establishment of a biased, self-serving government; so be it. But standing in my way will prove the fool’s choice on their part, should they.

Am I about to become an activist? It’s possible. But I swear to nothing. It all depends on what our government decides to do.

Now, this leads to college. Ah, how I should have volunteered more and gone and immersed myself in activities and events. Lesson learned- but to be fair, depression and copious amounts of classwork pretty much locked me away. As did exhaustion.

Three bouts, I think, of depression hit me while in college. For various reasons, to no reasons at all.

I’ve questioned if the degree I chose to pursue was right for me. I questioned transferring to a college elsewhere. I’ve worried about loans to pay back. I’ve worried about if I’m even good enough.

And in the end- it doesn’t matter. I have a piece of paper (or will, when it finally reaches me), saying I’m now qualified in something or another.

Really, though, this was just a way to force me to focus on something.

I graduated, knowing my Senior Project was not adequate. But my instructor passed me with a high grade. I walked at my ceremony. I had that day ruined by two idiots from back home, not even staying through the entire commencement. In fact…even my mom didn’t. She had a valid reason, at least.

I didn’t feel accomplished that day. Now three weeks passed. Through barely managing to roll out of bed for nine semesters, conflicted thoughts, and sheer perseverance and a bad habit of procrastinating…

The education system is broken. It’s become increasingly easy to pass some of these classes, and the system doesn’t care really about its students. It wants money and statistics to boost revenue and status.

But I pulled through. I was strong. I was stubborn. I broke many times, but I did pull through.

But at what cost? Loss of myself, for the process of becoming someone new I’d never expected. With this degree- one for animation and visual effects, I no longer am sure to what it is I really want to be doing.

Initially, concept in game design was my key goal. However, I’ve let that rigid desire go. If it happens, that’d be fantastic! I’d love to try it for a bit. But for now, I’m not ready, most likely, to go that route.

For the next year, I’ll be poking at my options. I’ll be finessing what I know, and gathering resources to learn more. I’m dabbling with the idea to create a website/blog to discuss media- books, games, movies. Exploring plot and character/creature development, breaking them down into the positives and the negatives; in a way not so critically harsh in bias, and exploring character creation in what they are and why they have (or don’t) appeal.

But career-wise? I don’t know.

So I’ll explore hobbies as I widdle down what inventory of clothing and odds and ends I have. A whole year to spring cleaning! I’ll explore photography. And perhaps start dancing as a means of exercise for the sheer hell of it. Meanwhile devising plans and places and everything under the sun to get me where I need to go.

Entering into 2017, I’m at a crossroads of about 20 split paths. I don’t know who it is I am, as I stand here in stasis. That doesn’t deter me. Really, I embrace this unknown and uncertainty. I have one life term goal, beyond moving out of the state of New Mexico; go to the Highlands of Scotland for a year and write.

By heart, I’m a writer first more than anything else. That is the core of whoever I have been this entire time, besides my love for dogs and firm stance on habitat protection and conservation.

Entering into 2017, I’m exploring my options with a quiet, slightly broken grace. I’m not whole. I’m scarred by life and still carry the weight of many things I’m in the process of letting fly away. This year I have hopes for seeing a doctor to test for autoimmune issues I’m dealing with, getting a few of my teeth checked out; overall health to improve. I walk into this year with my head held high in regards to my own policy of protecting and pushing for human rights. I fumble with what it is I’m meant to become, as I get rid of the old to downgrade my life to something simpler.

I’ll be taking inventory, and making a GoFundMe for equipment I do need to start getting the ball rolling for a career/general practice of my own learned skillsets.

I walk into this year with eyes for evermore ink, and some new piercings I’m tempter by.

I’m going for a healthier life; actively, mentally, emotionally.

2017 will no doubt be rocky.

I cannot wallow in the despair remaining from the previous year. I’ll continue to walk with this worry plaguing me, but breathing and remembering day by day I’m alive and that’s a miracle if ever there was one.

2016 was about change- I was not wrong. I changed.

I grew up, calmed down. I found my footing in my own beliefs and my own stance on the world. While that has brought some ridicule, people have finally let me have it for I’ve finally found the words to describe it.

Toxins plaguing me I’m leaving behind in the pursuit of my own happiness; a life I deserve.

I cannot tell you what 2017 will mean. A reprieve? A year of action? A year of more change? The deciding year for many of us in our choices made/to make?

In all honesty this one eludes me.

Yet here I am, taking that first step of a brand new year.

I would like to thank all of you personally for reading these, for bearing with my slight insanity, my continued swearing, and my shenanigans. For being a part of my world, indulging in it, and taking a piece of it with you.

May this year bring about prosperity and kindness to all of you still reading.

(And know that my inbox is always open!)

From me to you, dear reader-

A Little Dove of White [aka C. Beasley]

twittahoriginal

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Getting ‘er Done

So yesterday I left out the infuriating headache brought on by a Scorpio. Flip. Flop. Flip. Flop.

That’s all he does!

He’s still in a relationship. Last I knew, anyway. Which was recent. However I’m plaguing his thoughts. He sees “potential” or “something there” with me.

And my intuition is rock solid saying “don’t go there, just let these eight weeks pass you by, and you can leave behind the headaches college has initiated.”

Broke or not.

I’m just…not ready for commitment?

This has nothing to do with the last relationship. If I can even call it that, really. Which is another entire issue I’ll discuss at the end of the year.

Right now, all I really, truly desire is to finish college. From there, return home and recover as I figure out the next move, whatever that may be.

I’m not looking for a relationship. And I sure as hell don’t do hookups.

So I’ll continue to flounder.

The evening outside is nice and cool. It’s nice, being out and about. No company. ❤

New email accounts. New Skype account.

Homework getting done piece by piece.

I’m getting there. 🙂

And so is my health. Slowly improving. I’m terrible at sticking to a cardio. One day, I’ll stay on top of it.

Hectic

All I’ve got for now.

Just…hectic. Lots to do. A lesson to give tomorrow. (But I was foolish and never asked for advice or submitted my [last minute] presentation.)

So I’ll wing it.

And what comes, is what comes. I can only go for it with the best of intentions.

And receive a good night’s sleep.

This cough is getting worse. But so far, I’m at peace with everything else. Mayhem left and right.

But all will level out. ❤

Swell

Not.

Nope. Just nope. I’m tired. I’m done. I couldn’t roll out of bed until 1pm, proceeded to feel awful and needing to get EVERYTHING done, and nothing was accomplished.

Allergies have moved from tonsils to sinuses, and chest. It feels like sandpaper is starting to scratch away the tissue.

I’m fed up with academia. It’s a privilege I’m glad I’ve gotten to indulge in. (Yes, privilege. It’s corrupt and costs way too much money in the States.) However, it’s not entirely for me.

I like broad spectrums and critical thinking. I love the open-endedness of almost all factors and ways of approach to most subjects and thoughts.

So while I feel like crap, not getting anything done, my mind does so wander.

I’ve no desire to end up just one place. Not now, perhaps not ever. I’ve yet to find a place to settle down in, with a knowing smile and softened brown eyes that just scream “I’m home.”

Wanderlust. Curiosity. Unsettled desire straight down to the core to pack my bags and go where the winds of life say I need to be.

I fit in nowhere. So far. And what awaits is endless, so long as I keep my hand outstretched for something or someone to pull me another direction.

Or so it will be, once I’m done in December.

I’ll talk about college later this year, most likely around my graduation or shortly after. The ups and downs, my experience(s), and what I’ve gained from it all.

Until then, I’ll be sipping tea, mentally wondering about tomorrow while today still needs all of my attention. Typical, no?

Friday Allergies

Mine are kicking me in the ass.

So I’m washing sheets. Getting nothing done. But hey- an assignment was turned in, and Monday morning I have an appointment to talk to one of my past instructors.

So here I am, widdling away time I don’t have again, feeling like shit and questioning choices left and right.

It could be entirely worse- but my health took a turn come the afternoon.

At least I’m getting pizza tomorrow.

And hopefully my soup is still okay. Probably now. I’m so bad about this goodness me…

October starts my challenge with my best friend in getting healthier.

I do believe I’ll also start livestreaming come December or the new year. I hope I’ll get to. I think it’ll be fun.

Two cups of tea down tonight. How many more will I dare?

Unexpected Tuesday

I ate too muuuuch. Blame exhaustion. Will stretch to remedy some of that discomfort.

Need to wash my face and get some sleep.

It’s been a very, very long day.

And unexpectedly good- to which might prove fruitful in the long run.

I’m just….excruciatingly exhausted and tired of people trying to plan my life.

But today went very, very well. I’m…relieved about that. And I’m relieved my best friend and her husband jumped in to help me fix my resume. ❤

Progress!

I’m on my way to being completely on track.

Did research.

Roughed about 9 shots for my animation.

Found the information for a paper due on Wednesday.

Was relatively good about my diet. Didn’t get to cardio, but did a quicker paced session of yoga for muscle warmups.

Have yet to record myself, but that’ll somehow be accomplished. Somehow… still need to put together a small presentation (possibly) and a two-year plan. Because that’s how my life will be going. (Not.)

But progress is progress!

Cardio and Burned Fingers

Did cardio. I win. 😀

Today was a quiet kind of day. I spent most of it recovering from my workout, sleeping in after having an awful time trying to fall asleep (probably around 4am, thanks to the morons upstairs), then showered and cooked; all in-between trying to understand a lesson I’m to teach in about two weeks.

Animating got backburnered. And I meant to do it after I cooked some soup to last me for several days; but burned the ring finger on my right hand (the dominant one; I’m right handed), and it stings trying to bend right now.

So tomorrow I’ll be doing laundry and yoga and animating…maybe do some dancing because why not?

Brother needs help texturing his assignment in the basic 3D course, so I’ll lend a hand. (Might get free coffee out of it toooo.)

I’ve changed the username on my instagram account. It just doesn’t feel right currently tying it with my art account. And I’m about to start creating “professional” items and outlets with my real name, in hopes of garnering myself some credibility.

All in all, okay day. Feel great for working out like I did. 🙂 And happy I’m not overly-pressured with my lesson I need to do. (But apparently I need to purchase ANOTHER pair of slacks. Grrr…)

Why of the Current

Why can’t I focus?

Why am I allowing myself to drift back into a rut?

Why does tomorrow exhaust me already when today has barely happened?

Why am I so hard to include in anything?

Why am I a recluse perfectly alright with being alone?

Why. Why. Why.

Always so much why. And for many it’s simply how their life is meant to develop. I’m currently in the process of juggling more than I can chew without feeling weighed down. I have my entire life to try and work with, my graduation, my classes, my students, my health. It’s manageable to an extent, but I prefer not being bogged down by consequential things as the main weight.

With that, I begin to shut down. Pull away, hide away, push everything to the side until I have to deal with it. And I’m running out of so much time that it’s becoming too much a habit and fall back when I’m feeling overwhelmed.

I’m not ready to be an adult, but I’m ready to be far, far away from academia institutes and away from closed minds trying to mesh me into a shape and identity I’ve never been.

I can’t be shaped. Not so fun for me, either. Hence why I’m left in a type of limbo, with headaches left and right and a displeased look pulling at my face when I slip in masking it.

Now then- I need to be healthier. So tonight I’m doing yoga. Watching a lot of Dark Souls playthroughs lately, but they are fascinating to me in the lore.

I didn’t even bring myself to going to a bonfire tonight. I need out of this rut before it swallows me like depression enjoys doing. Mild it usually is, but it leaves a wicked mark.