An End. 2016 Goodbye. A Reflection On The Endeavor.

Welcome, 2017. And hello to the final post I’ll make on this account (besides a potential redirection to my own website/blog series to be decided on later- I promise, if anyone has interest on that please do let me know.)

It’s been…an insane year. Wonderful, terrible, anxiety riddled, adventurous, and reeling with depression.

That’s right. That sums it all up. Chaos. Insanity, even.

I went from a flirting long distance weirdness, to a long distance relationship, to being ghosted (and still pursued later on by the Scorpio, and later another Virgo. And a Leo from my Astronomy class a few years back.)

Everyone still thinks I’m dating one brother figure of mine.

I learned to open more to love, but have yet to fall into a love so deep my soul feels at peace.

I have not experienced true heartbreak. But damn did I get a sweet new tattoo at the end of the summer.

I attended a wedding of a childhood friend another brother figure (the latter of which I want to wring his neck lately). Their relationship reflects everything I don’t want- good to know for me. I wish them all the love, and all the best, and all the joy I can muster.

I got to co-teach a freshmen class during my final semester of college.

My Senior Project flopped, and I still passed with an A.

I witnessed the worst of the current USA. I’ve watched our politics divide, and the immersion of religion into a system that can only lead to hate and spite at this rate.

I’ve had to decide, on myself, who I am and who I am not.

I fucking graduated college! I finished, in nine semesters. I finished, with debt to repay. But I finished. On my own. With just under a 4.0.

And I’ve been betrayed, isolated. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been happy. My heart has matured a bit more. And I’ve shed so much of myself again; for the final major time for a good long while to come.

I tried, at the beginning of these, to express haughty eloquence.

While I can write in such a style with ease; the real me is still raw and messy. I’m a cataclysm, really; a disaster people swear is beautiful but under 10 of them can really handle.

I’ve learned to embrace mayhem as it comes, and to ride its tide until I can put my feet back into the sand; and walk again.

In the past year, my depression has spiked and lasted the entire year. That’s been a first, but it has been rough.

Let’s start with the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing. That’s a milestone to overcome. For ten years, he has been absent from my life. And on further reflection, the girl I had been at that time is long gone.

She’s gone. Dead in part, really. And never again will I be her. And it’s that realization, of how much I’ve changed, and how much time has passed, that the notion of letting pieces of myself became prevalent this year as a lot of my life has indeed changed along with it.

As time passes, and as life takes me on its journey- more of me will fall away, to let room in for the new pieces of me that grow. New experiences. New people. I have to sacrifice parts, to become the person I’m…well…becoming. (Haaa.)

I’m allowed to mourn those pieces of me, and walk away from the incredulity and the skeptical eyes.

Let’s take a look, next, at me and “relationships”.

In all honesty, now that I reflect on it- I was being incredibly stupid and taking a risk I knew I shouldn’t. But my boredom, the attention, and the defiance of everything I’d been taught.

The attention was nice, and it broke me from a lot of my shell. And it could have escalated, or dissolved, into something pretty terrible.

A long distance relationship, based on the internet? The appeal is there, and the attention without spending physical contact with someone you’re not sure about is lovely.

However, I wasted far too much time and attention on one person. That was my biggest mistake. And I’m glad it happened as it did, rather than put me in some serious predicaments in a present, physical relationship.

It did hurt, I won’t lie, getting ghosted like I had. I prefer honesty. Done with me? Tell me. Don’t expect me to remain hooked forever. But I was never devastated. Simply addicted to the attention. Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make for the next one.

I’m currently hovering over the block button on twitter for this idiot. Should I message asking him to let go and leave me be? Or simply block him from contacting me and moving on.

Regardless, the lesson taken? Don’t cater and hang onto someone’s attention 24/7. And know your own damn worth. I know what it is I don’t want. I need…a gentle soul, strong enough to ride out my temper or anxiety that leads to me stressed and frenzied. But I need a soul with integrity in line with my own.

And I know assholes. I attract assholes. And I’m not attracted to assholes.

I’m fine. All is great. I’m single forever (kidding, maybe) until I relocate and just…live.

Which brings me to politics, real quick. On the basis of integrity- this country is so broken and divided. We elected an absolute moron, or a cruel cruel psychopath (who is entirely aware of what he’s doing, and playing stupid).

Because civil rights aren’t important enough, apparently. That is the basis for people I know who argue why he’s better than Clinton. (She wasn’t ideal. But she has done work that stood up for civil rights acts. It’s basic research to know this, my god.)

So as I lean closer to hittin’ the ol’ quarter-century (25, people- I’m about to turn 25), I’m divided among people. I’m neither a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m an independent, free-thinker, finding good and terrible ideals in both parties. More importantly, on the topic of integrity, I refuse to associate with hate. Apathy, is all me. Hate I will not participate in.

I cannot teach the fools. So if a fight must come to save our rights, and break the establishment of a biased, self-serving government; so be it. But standing in my way will prove the fool’s choice on their part, should they.

Am I about to become an activist? It’s possible. But I swear to nothing. It all depends on what our government decides to do.

Now, this leads to college. Ah, how I should have volunteered more and gone and immersed myself in activities and events. Lesson learned- but to be fair, depression and copious amounts of classwork pretty much locked me away. As did exhaustion.

Three bouts, I think, of depression hit me while in college. For various reasons, to no reasons at all.

I’ve questioned if the degree I chose to pursue was right for me. I questioned transferring to a college elsewhere. I’ve worried about loans to pay back. I’ve worried about if I’m even good enough.

And in the end- it doesn’t matter. I have a piece of paper (or will, when it finally reaches me), saying I’m now qualified in something or another.

Really, though, this was just a way to force me to focus on something.

I graduated, knowing my Senior Project was not adequate. But my instructor passed me with a high grade. I walked at my ceremony. I had that day ruined by two idiots from back home, not even staying through the entire commencement. In fact…even my mom didn’t. She had a valid reason, at least.

I didn’t feel accomplished that day. Now three weeks passed. Through barely managing to roll out of bed for nine semesters, conflicted thoughts, and sheer perseverance and a bad habit of procrastinating…

The education system is broken. It’s become increasingly easy to pass some of these classes, and the system doesn’t care really about its students. It wants money and statistics to boost revenue and status.

But I pulled through. I was strong. I was stubborn. I broke many times, but I did pull through.

But at what cost? Loss of myself, for the process of becoming someone new I’d never expected. With this degree- one for animation and visual effects, I no longer am sure to what it is I really want to be doing.

Initially, concept in game design was my key goal. However, I’ve let that rigid desire go. If it happens, that’d be fantastic! I’d love to try it for a bit. But for now, I’m not ready, most likely, to go that route.

For the next year, I’ll be poking at my options. I’ll be finessing what I know, and gathering resources to learn more. I’m dabbling with the idea to create a website/blog to discuss media- books, games, movies. Exploring plot and character/creature development, breaking them down into the positives and the negatives; in a way not so critically harsh in bias, and exploring character creation in what they are and why they have (or don’t) appeal.

But career-wise? I don’t know.

So I’ll explore hobbies as I widdle down what inventory of clothing and odds and ends I have. A whole year to spring cleaning! I’ll explore photography. And perhaps start dancing as a means of exercise for the sheer hell of it. Meanwhile devising plans and places and everything under the sun to get me where I need to go.

Entering into 2017, I’m at a crossroads of about 20 split paths. I don’t know who it is I am, as I stand here in stasis. That doesn’t deter me. Really, I embrace this unknown and uncertainty. I have one life term goal, beyond moving out of the state of New Mexico; go to the Highlands of Scotland for a year and write.

By heart, I’m a writer first more than anything else. That is the core of whoever I have been this entire time, besides my love for dogs and firm stance on habitat protection and conservation.

Entering into 2017, I’m exploring my options with a quiet, slightly broken grace. I’m not whole. I’m scarred by life and still carry the weight of many things I’m in the process of letting fly away. This year I have hopes for seeing a doctor to test for autoimmune issues I’m dealing with, getting a few of my teeth checked out; overall health to improve. I walk into this year with my head held high in regards to my own policy of protecting and pushing for human rights. I fumble with what it is I’m meant to become, as I get rid of the old to downgrade my life to something simpler.

I’ll be taking inventory, and making a GoFundMe for equipment I do need to start getting the ball rolling for a career/general practice of my own learned skillsets.

I walk into this year with eyes for evermore ink, and some new piercings I’m tempter by.

I’m going for a healthier life; actively, mentally, emotionally.

2017 will no doubt be rocky.

I cannot wallow in the despair remaining from the previous year. I’ll continue to walk with this worry plaguing me, but breathing and remembering day by day I’m alive and that’s a miracle if ever there was one.

2016 was about change- I was not wrong. I changed.

I grew up, calmed down. I found my footing in my own beliefs and my own stance on the world. While that has brought some ridicule, people have finally let me have it for I’ve finally found the words to describe it.

Toxins plaguing me I’m leaving behind in the pursuit of my own happiness; a life I deserve.

I cannot tell you what 2017 will mean. A reprieve? A year of action? A year of more change? The deciding year for many of us in our choices made/to make?

In all honesty this one eludes me.

Yet here I am, taking that first step of a brand new year.

I would like to thank all of you personally for reading these, for bearing with my slight insanity, my continued swearing, and my shenanigans. For being a part of my world, indulging in it, and taking a piece of it with you.

May this year bring about prosperity and kindness to all of you still reading.

(And know that my inbox is always open!)

From me to you, dear reader-

A Little Dove of White [aka C. Beasley]

twittahoriginal

Cancelled Class, Borrowed Time

No class this evening means I get to work on stuff without the pressure of a disappointed teacher from me not being further along.

It’s a shame he’s sick, however…

Anyway…

Students I’m teaching do not want to interact. I don’t want to be harsh, but yeesh get off your phones!

I have a love/hate relationship with technology. Perhaps this week I’ll go into greater depths with that.

So Thursday I’ll be a bully and tell them to put the phones away.

It’s raining again. ❤ So I’m sipping at tea and being fat and ugh and sigh.

And he won’t go away today. And I’m irked.

Moved In, For the Final Time

Moved back into the dorm, preceding a lack of sleep the night prior.

Oh it was a combination of a couple of things. Worry. Stress. Anxiety. A dream still nagging at me from the evening prior.

Not to mention, in my luck, he messages me out of nowhere wondering if I wanted to move to his region (over 2,000 miles mind you), because he needs a roommate.

Mind you, this was at midnight my time, when I’m hoping to crawl into bed.

So I was miffed, making it harder to fall asleep.

Now, however, here I am typing away in a room that is mine. All to myself. I have an early wake up tomorrow, and content by surprise.

I have yet to cry about being here alone. Or being separated from my mom. Each year it’s less hard to do.

But what will happen when I leave this state behind? And move permanently?

Time will tell. Infuriating as it is.

Smash It (With A Hammer)

I did. A…”toy” he sent me months ago. I tried to obliterate it into many, many pieces. However while that didn’t happen…

I did manage to break it. 😉 I have a few more to dispose of. We’ll see. But that one I wrecked today, happened to be his favorite.

Hehe. 😉

Went through paperwork. Found out I have more coverage than I’d thought- health insurance wise. Irony is, its through a company shutting down here in my state.

Got some writing done. Got some paperwork filed. Still looking for the paperwork my mom needs. But I’m getting there. 🙂

Delete

I’ve just been deleting messages between myself and him. Priority today. Even though I was meant to be digging out paperwork…

Oops

I needed the cleansing, however. Tomorrow I’ll begin packing and organizing my things before I have to move in to the dorm on the 14th.

Delete. Delete. Delete. That’s all I did today…as the storms bypassed us by some miracle.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

Ink’d

Ow.

That’s my take on the thigh. Not pleasant. However the design is perfect for me. The absolute discomfort is well worth the artwork I get to walk around with. The representation it has in my world, the representation of something of me.

However for the next week I’ll be in a world of “ack”. 😉

I’m tired. It’s storming in the distance.

But I’m content. While I may not be drop dead gorgeous, I’m currently quite content. ❤

Though I need to learn to be less kind to assholes. Like him.

Sigh.

I’ll learn. But hey. I’m feeling accomplished of myself right now. 😉

Cleaning Out

That’s what I’m doing on my social media.

Namely, eliminating aspects of him.

It’s not that I’m angry or holding a grudge. I just refuse to keep filth in my life after a point.

So as I sip away at my medicinal tea, I’m deleting pieces and baggage and anything toxic.

That includes deleting him from Facebook, too. Skype and other social media? I’ll keep him on there until January 1st. Then I’m eliminating any ties we had. Blocking is a beautiful feature, no?

Anyway- yes, more medicinal teas. Respiratory problems still transpiring, unfortunately.

Work was…interesting. Broke a thumb nail. And I still need to fill out an evaluation for work. Some people are in trouble- and just now my boss is doing something about it.

He’s a sweet man. But sometimes the efficiency I wonder about… He is busy, though…so I’ll do as instructed and I’ll continue to keep my head low and my game winning by utilizing the sweetness card.

So cleaning out. Two more days of work. And respiratory problems.

I’m feeling alright about all of this. 🙂

Job Bonus; Heat Exhaustion

I’m liked at work. A coworker isn’t. So I got to do something they were supposed to, and gain two extra hours in my paycheck.

Disaster almost happened only once.

But all was well.

I’ve suffered heat exhaustion. And now my lungs aren’t happy again.

But hey- being liked at work has its perks.

I’ve also put him off restricted on Facebook. Let’s see what a day brings.

As well as me needing to call my tattoo artist tomorrow. Today I just ran out of steam…

Amidst Cleaning and Aggravation

I’m caught in chaos today. Less than five hours of sleep will tend to leave someone edgy…

However, my state tax refund has been mailed. I’ve gotten the carpet vacuumed… Currently cleaning and trying to figure out how to organize everything else I need to. Friend is coming into town tomorrow (joy). Of which I can’t even sleep in tomorrow.

So if I’m a little edge, there are a few reasons as to why.

I’m putting up a friend, who doesn’t actually go out of his way for me unless I absolutely need a ride. Of which, every fucking year, he and the other both ask me “So, when are you getting your driver’s license?” To which I have to remind myself why I shouldn’t give them both good suckerpunch to the jaw.

So not only am I housing a selfish prick (for one night- and one night only!), he hasn’t bothered to take time to come visit me (he has money, and can make time). Not once in the four years I’ve been down here for college. I’m three hours from home. He, and the rest, never bothered once. I would have, had I the money. And a guaranteed pick-up at the station should I take the bus back home.

Which they wouldn’t. Nor would they bring me back to drop me off so I can return back to campus…

I digress. He can take the 10+ things back home for me. Well…ten packages and bags of items. 😉

Funny thing today, as I was on a tirade that substantially lifted my mood…he popped back online. Or rather, messaged me first.

I swear I don’t understand how he functions, sometimes… Fascinates me. However what pinged at me, was how I felt.

Part of me was content and more than willing to reply to him; chipper as can be. The other…felt less affection, more friendliness.

Oh, that is a sign that doesn’t bode well. However until I know for sure…I’m keeping my emotions under wraps. Best to wait and see what unfolds. I’m an oddity. So best to keep myself in check, and not allow for anything irrational to happen.

Barely getting anything done. I have no idea how I’m going to survive the weekend… So much to do. My friend, you really chose the wrong weekend to attend that concert

I felt sick to my stomach for most of the day. Then I was fine. Proceeded to eat too much. Bad mistake. Almost twelve hours later, still regretting it.

Really tired of the people back home, too. Always always the conversations turn out to be “So when are you getting a car” to “You still don’t have your driver’s license?” It’s eating away at me that that’s all they think about. Good fucking lord… Not the fact I managed college without it. Or that I plan to move to a city city. Not the dinky little shit-hole fifteen minutes away from our mountain towns…

Just…argh.

Feeling self-conscious today, too. Just kind of an off day…

I have to wake up relatively early. I’m dreading it. But I’ll take it as time to work out, I s’pose.

Wish me luck?