An End. 2016 Goodbye. A Reflection On The Endeavor.

Welcome, 2017. And hello to the final post I’ll make on this account (besides a potential redirection to my own website/blog series to be decided on later- I promise, if anyone has interest on that please do let me know.)

It’s been…an insane year. Wonderful, terrible, anxiety riddled, adventurous, and reeling with depression.

That’s right. That sums it all up. Chaos. Insanity, even.

I went from a flirting long distance weirdness, to a long distance relationship, to being ghosted (and still pursued later on by the Scorpio, and later another Virgo. And a Leo from my Astronomy class a few years back.)

Everyone still thinks I’m dating one brother figure of mine.

I learned to open more to love, but have yet to fall into a love so deep my soul feels at peace.

I have not experienced true heartbreak. But damn did I get a sweet new tattoo at the end of the summer.

I attended a wedding of a childhood friend another brother figure (the latter of which I want to wring his neck lately). Their relationship reflects everything I don’t want- good to know for me. I wish them all the love, and all the best, and all the joy I can muster.

I got to co-teach a freshmen class during my final semester of college.

My Senior Project flopped, and I still passed with an A.

I witnessed the worst of the current USA. I’ve watched our politics divide, and the immersion of religion into a system that can only lead to hate and spite at this rate.

I’ve had to decide, on myself, who I am and who I am not.

I fucking graduated college! I finished, in nine semesters. I finished, with debt to repay. But I finished. On my own. With just under a 4.0.

And I’ve been betrayed, isolated. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been happy. My heart has matured a bit more. And I’ve shed so much of myself again; for the final major time for a good long while to come.

I tried, at the beginning of these, to express haughty eloquence.

While I can write in such a style with ease; the real me is still raw and messy. I’m a cataclysm, really; a disaster people swear is beautiful but under 10 of them can really handle.

I’ve learned to embrace mayhem as it comes, and to ride its tide until I can put my feet back into the sand; and walk again.

In the past year, my depression has spiked and lasted the entire year. That’s been a first, but it has been rough.

Let’s start with the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing. That’s a milestone to overcome. For ten years, he has been absent from my life. And on further reflection, the girl I had been at that time is long gone.

She’s gone. Dead in part, really. And never again will I be her. And it’s that realization, of how much I’ve changed, and how much time has passed, that the notion of letting pieces of myself became prevalent this year as a lot of my life has indeed changed along with it.

As time passes, and as life takes me on its journey- more of me will fall away, to let room in for the new pieces of me that grow. New experiences. New people. I have to sacrifice parts, to become the person I’m…well…becoming. (Haaa.)

I’m allowed to mourn those pieces of me, and walk away from the incredulity and the skeptical eyes.

Let’s take a look, next, at me and “relationships”.

In all honesty, now that I reflect on it- I was being incredibly stupid and taking a risk I knew I shouldn’t. But my boredom, the attention, and the defiance of everything I’d been taught.

The attention was nice, and it broke me from a lot of my shell. And it could have escalated, or dissolved, into something pretty terrible.

A long distance relationship, based on the internet? The appeal is there, and the attention without spending physical contact with someone you’re not sure about is lovely.

However, I wasted far too much time and attention on one person. That was my biggest mistake. And I’m glad it happened as it did, rather than put me in some serious predicaments in a present, physical relationship.

It did hurt, I won’t lie, getting ghosted like I had. I prefer honesty. Done with me? Tell me. Don’t expect me to remain hooked forever. But I was never devastated. Simply addicted to the attention. Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make for the next one.

I’m currently hovering over the block button on twitter for this idiot. Should I message asking him to let go and leave me be? Or simply block him from contacting me and moving on.

Regardless, the lesson taken? Don’t cater and hang onto someone’s attention 24/7. And know your own damn worth. I know what it is I don’t want. I need…a gentle soul, strong enough to ride out my temper or anxiety that leads to me stressed and frenzied. But I need a soul with integrity in line with my own.

And I know assholes. I attract assholes. And I’m not attracted to assholes.

I’m fine. All is great. I’m single forever (kidding, maybe) until I relocate and just…live.

Which brings me to politics, real quick. On the basis of integrity- this country is so broken and divided. We elected an absolute moron, or a cruel cruel psychopath (who is entirely aware of what he’s doing, and playing stupid).

Because civil rights aren’t important enough, apparently. That is the basis for people I know who argue why he’s better than Clinton. (She wasn’t ideal. But she has done work that stood up for civil rights acts. It’s basic research to know this, my god.)

So as I lean closer to hittin’ the ol’ quarter-century (25, people- I’m about to turn 25), I’m divided among people. I’m neither a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m an independent, free-thinker, finding good and terrible ideals in both parties. More importantly, on the topic of integrity, I refuse to associate with hate. Apathy, is all me. Hate I will not participate in.

I cannot teach the fools. So if a fight must come to save our rights, and break the establishment of a biased, self-serving government; so be it. But standing in my way will prove the fool’s choice on their part, should they.

Am I about to become an activist? It’s possible. But I swear to nothing. It all depends on what our government decides to do.

Now, this leads to college. Ah, how I should have volunteered more and gone and immersed myself in activities and events. Lesson learned- but to be fair, depression and copious amounts of classwork pretty much locked me away. As did exhaustion.

Three bouts, I think, of depression hit me while in college. For various reasons, to no reasons at all.

I’ve questioned if the degree I chose to pursue was right for me. I questioned transferring to a college elsewhere. I’ve worried about loans to pay back. I’ve worried about if I’m even good enough.

And in the end- it doesn’t matter. I have a piece of paper (or will, when it finally reaches me), saying I’m now qualified in something or another.

Really, though, this was just a way to force me to focus on something.

I graduated, knowing my Senior Project was not adequate. But my instructor passed me with a high grade. I walked at my ceremony. I had that day ruined by two idiots from back home, not even staying through the entire commencement. In fact…even my mom didn’t. She had a valid reason, at least.

I didn’t feel accomplished that day. Now three weeks passed. Through barely managing to roll out of bed for nine semesters, conflicted thoughts, and sheer perseverance and a bad habit of procrastinating…

The education system is broken. It’s become increasingly easy to pass some of these classes, and the system doesn’t care really about its students. It wants money and statistics to boost revenue and status.

But I pulled through. I was strong. I was stubborn. I broke many times, but I did pull through.

But at what cost? Loss of myself, for the process of becoming someone new I’d never expected. With this degree- one for animation and visual effects, I no longer am sure to what it is I really want to be doing.

Initially, concept in game design was my key goal. However, I’ve let that rigid desire go. If it happens, that’d be fantastic! I’d love to try it for a bit. But for now, I’m not ready, most likely, to go that route.

For the next year, I’ll be poking at my options. I’ll be finessing what I know, and gathering resources to learn more. I’m dabbling with the idea to create a website/blog to discuss media- books, games, movies. Exploring plot and character/creature development, breaking them down into the positives and the negatives; in a way not so critically harsh in bias, and exploring character creation in what they are and why they have (or don’t) appeal.

But career-wise? I don’t know.

So I’ll explore hobbies as I widdle down what inventory of clothing and odds and ends I have. A whole year to spring cleaning! I’ll explore photography. And perhaps start dancing as a means of exercise for the sheer hell of it. Meanwhile devising plans and places and everything under the sun to get me where I need to go.

Entering into 2017, I’m at a crossroads of about 20 split paths. I don’t know who it is I am, as I stand here in stasis. That doesn’t deter me. Really, I embrace this unknown and uncertainty. I have one life term goal, beyond moving out of the state of New Mexico; go to the Highlands of Scotland for a year and write.

By heart, I’m a writer first more than anything else. That is the core of whoever I have been this entire time, besides my love for dogs and firm stance on habitat protection and conservation.

Entering into 2017, I’m exploring my options with a quiet, slightly broken grace. I’m not whole. I’m scarred by life and still carry the weight of many things I’m in the process of letting fly away. This year I have hopes for seeing a doctor to test for autoimmune issues I’m dealing with, getting a few of my teeth checked out; overall health to improve. I walk into this year with my head held high in regards to my own policy of protecting and pushing for human rights. I fumble with what it is I’m meant to become, as I get rid of the old to downgrade my life to something simpler.

I’ll be taking inventory, and making a GoFundMe for equipment I do need to start getting the ball rolling for a career/general practice of my own learned skillsets.

I walk into this year with eyes for evermore ink, and some new piercings I’m tempter by.

I’m going for a healthier life; actively, mentally, emotionally.

2017 will no doubt be rocky.

I cannot wallow in the despair remaining from the previous year. I’ll continue to walk with this worry plaguing me, but breathing and remembering day by day I’m alive and that’s a miracle if ever there was one.

2016 was about change- I was not wrong. I changed.

I grew up, calmed down. I found my footing in my own beliefs and my own stance on the world. While that has brought some ridicule, people have finally let me have it for I’ve finally found the words to describe it.

Toxins plaguing me I’m leaving behind in the pursuit of my own happiness; a life I deserve.

I cannot tell you what 2017 will mean. A reprieve? A year of action? A year of more change? The deciding year for many of us in our choices made/to make?

In all honesty this one eludes me.

Yet here I am, taking that first step of a brand new year.

I would like to thank all of you personally for reading these, for bearing with my slight insanity, my continued swearing, and my shenanigans. For being a part of my world, indulging in it, and taking a piece of it with you.

May this year bring about prosperity and kindness to all of you still reading.

(And know that my inbox is always open!)

From me to you, dear reader-

A Little Dove of White [aka C. Beasley]

twittahoriginal

Backstabbed

I’ve been entirely backstabbed by one of the fuckers who came to my graduation.

He was holding onto a few things we didn’t have room for. And sent it all, along with a borrowed tv, back to the friend I can’t handle right now (political reasons) because he’s throwing his gay-ass hissy fit and being a little shit.

It sent me into tears.

At least my PS4 is running, my PS3 software has been updated, and there are no more mice.

I just need to find a way to get surround sound (seeing as the PS4 slim no longer has the output for it…)

OH! I deleted the twat on Facebook. He blocked me and unfollowed me everywhere. (Ha. Like I was planning on ever following him on Instagram.)

Packing

I don’t like packing, when it comes to leaving home.

Regardless if I’m gone for four months or not, it still leaves an ache in my heart.

In the meantime I still have jewelry and makeup to finish sifting through, and not to mention my clothes. The morrow brings cleaning out the mini fridge I’m taking with me, so I can actually eat healthy while away.

Otherwise just a few more days.

I’ll be fine as I always am. I’m just a tad clingy to my home and my mother.

But it will be good to get away for a bit again. ❤ To keep busy and make progress on things I’m practicing my academia in.

Packing just makes my heartache.

Tantrum Upon Waking

Not enough sleep. Allergy riddled. Couldn’t breathe properly. I was on a tyraid for two hours that had my mom wanting to ring my neck.

Luckily, she didn’t. 😉 But I did cause quite a mess. Also had several coughing fits; one of which uprooted acid from my stomach and winded me, as well as burned my throat pretty bad.

So anyway- the heat. The heat is horrible. We had to install another A/C unit in the window. Blazingly hot. I’m miserable in this heat.

However I’m getting through organizing stuff bit by bit. I have issues throwing shoes out- but it must be done. Tomorrow will be a repeat, as well as keeping an eye on that fire. It’s predicted that it will come my way, in terms of direction. But with 15-20 miles separating it from us, we’ll probably be alright. But I can’t swear to anything.

This heat is going to kill us. We need rain…

We need it before the rest of my mountains go up in 100ft. blazes…

~ a little white dove

Cohabitation

I suck at it. The older I get, the harder it is for me to live with many people. Or, so it seems. I have my quirks. To which I’m always putting on the backburner. For them. And they, 90% of the time, don’t reciprocate.

I know I shouldn’t complain too much about it. After all, I’m living at home primarily free of charge for four months of the year.

Doesn’t mean it’s okay for my mother to disregard me and my opinions.

Doesn’t help I constantly bite my own tongue to keep quiet.

We fight anyway. Everyone fights me nowadays. Because I’m increasingly uncontrollable. Because I’m erratic and extreme and cautious in a package that makes almost zero sense. yet here I am.

If many of us were to settle in a new place entirely, it would be better. But we’re not. Yet, anyway.

Talked to one of my best friends today. It appears…we’ve made a leap in moving plans. We have two goals. A backup for the other. But they’re feasible.

We’ll be able to cohabitate easily, because we’d all be picking up and starting over with very little, in a place of our of which we’d all be adjusting to.

I can’t cohabitate right now. I absolutely hate it. But I’m picky. I’m fickle. I have my comforts. Which are constantly disrespected.

Biting my tongue is causing me more stress. I don’t want this. It hurts.

And my boyfriend thinks cohabitating with me would be a piece of cake.

HA.

~ a little white dove

Quiet Day at Home

Lazy? Check.

Fat? Check.

Finished American Odyssey? You bet!

Three cups of hot, healthy tea in a day? I’m just on a roll!

My mom needed a day of rest. To which I was glad to have as well. I slept for twelve hours. Concerning, apparently. But for me, I needed the uninterrupted rest.

I forgot to mention my streak of A’s again, I think, for this last semester to which you’ve seen my ups and my downs. I passed. With good grades I’ve relatively earned. Through it all, I came out strong. At this rate I’ll be graduating in December at the top tier with GPA and accumulative grades…maybe not the top ranked person, but among the top in terms of GPA alone.

I should have joined more Honors Societies. I slightly regret that, now. But I’ve had very little time to do anything outside of classes and maintaining friendships.

I’m correcting that come August.

And if by some miracle I’m garbed in a Crimson Robe…well…

I might cry at that.

Not holding my breath. But hey, you never know, right?

Now switching gears- does anyone remember me talking about a certain Scorpio? (Not the man I came into a relationship with, he’s the Virgo.)

Well he’s now in a relationship! To which I’m happy about. He’s not a bad guy. Just wasn’t consistent enough in his pursuit of me to maintain interest. I sometimes wonder what would have happened had I reciprocated the chase…but he’d never have been “my one and only”.

Is my Virgo? Well the cards are in the air, there. But the likelihood with him is substantially more likely than that of the Scorpio.

I hope she treats him well. And vice versa.

Catching up with a friend of mine on Sunday- the one marrying one of my longest-held friends. They’re adorable together.

I’m not envious of them and their relationship. I’m shocked by how often I’m not, to be quite honest. For all of my friends who are in good, well-rounded relationships or marriages.

I worry more about my life than I delve on jealousy. I worry about time.

A silly notion, I know…

But time scares me. And no matter what people say, I’ve yet to find a way to correct that fear.

Silly silly.

~ a little white dove

Coming Home

On a Friday the 13th.

We survived. We had food. (I’m eating too much). Got home. Mild traffic. Made it back in about 5 hours.

I saw I had three projects in showcase. I was surprised. I’m surprised not more made it in. From the class in general.

This evening I’m going to spend writing. Still in the kick of continuing my personal writing projects.

I’m only mildly surprised he hasn’t wondered if I’m okay. We’ll see how the summer pans out. I’ll be so busy, regardless…

I’ll remain silent to him, until he messages first. For over a month, I’d tried. But his disinterest or laziness…or sheer business… I don’t know. I’m tired of playing these petty games with everyone. I’m tired of everyone treating me like their best friend, to their hero, to the harbinger of their misery. The world needs to make one sole decision. Either be among my company, or leave it alone. I beg of everyone.

This summer is about me. My isolation, no doubt.

But it’s still about me and where I go from here.

My best friend (the one from yesterday), has agreed to apply for working visas together after I graduate. If at least one of us can obtain one…we’re one step closer to going and doing and being what and who we need to do and be.

Binging on Grace and Frankie tonight. Good series. Full of laughs. As I nurse a vodka tonic. A hard drink after a looong last few weeks.

May the summer prove fruitful, may I keep to a healthy regime, and may my journey not stray.

Welcome, Summer 2016.

~ a little white dove