A Day Of Processing

I, like many, could barely sleep post election results. It was beyond surreal. And while my anger and fear and hurt were something volatile, it needed to be unleashed very much how it had been.

Nearly broke my hand, I believe. But I didn’t. I remained hurting internally, riding out the buzz of turmoil, hurt for my loved ones, and fear roiling in what is to come.

And then I lay under blankets, dosing until my alarm brought me back to the reality. To which I’m surprised I managed to attend class.

I’m glad I did. While a brief, tiny section of only a few of us- it was healing. We all felt in some way that foreboding fear and anxiety of what’s to come next.

I sipped away at some tea, enjoying the company of quiet reflection among peers.

I meant to attend an orchestra concert tonight, but I was so tired and reclusive and wanting to stay in…

Anyway. Spent my afternoon blasting positive music. Because the hate had deviated, the contemplation and reflection to process the impact of this election, the power of integrity and kindness, and how many people have each other’s backs.

I’ve been attacked earlier, online, by old friends. Offended by the backlash about explaining to friends who are minority, or women, or part of LGBTQ, or muslim- and explain why they don’t matter by electing an entire campaign demoralizing them. By electing a candidate with a running mate with an atrocious track record for women’s rights and gay rights and everything else tacked in as well.

How dare I share a post about it. How dare I insult them when I’m trying to hold my friends together who are deeply afflicted. One of my very best friends rushed in to submit an application for her passport, as a precaution to this mayhem.

The fact that one of them had the audacity to justify the rights of minorities is worth sacrificing to “save America”, has left me with zero respect. I cannot hate them. For their arrogance and ignorance I cannot change. My nearly endless patience still won’t put a dent into their stubborn resilience.

But it has brought me to reflection, that such behavior I will not lower myself to. I will not hate. I will not scream. I will not rage.

I turn my back, as I pull into myself to reflect a little more, and allow time to process and heal what has happened.

The riots, the burst in hate crimes in 24 hours’ time…

I will not rage. But I will not sit idly by. Upon my graduation, I will retract into myself back home. I will contemplate, and calculate, to iterate my decision in how I will use with my time come the new year. Once that has passed, I suppose I’ll make a note that I won’t tolerate this behavior.

That I will not hate. But I will not stand idly by. This divide will ruin us. Regardless of what happens in office for the following four years, we cannot be divided any longer.

But for now, I’ll pull back and process. Grieve, fear, breathe, and mend.

Mend, everyone. Reach out with a kind gesture; even a smile.

It’ll all be okay if we do not leave every man, woman, and child to fend on their own in the chaos.

For now, though, let us heal quietly; together.

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Homework? What’s That?

I barely got anything done. Craaaap. One of my best friends just HAD to have me watch the Overwatch animated shorts. Which were fantastic- don’t get me wrong.

But I got so tired and lost so much steam.

Tack on the anxiety from multiple outlets right now, and I shut down.

However about three scenes were fully lined finally.

Just…how the hell am I going to complete this in the span of 5 weeks?

Homework? Productive? Ha!

So to put into perspective- I woke up with a massive headache. You know- the type with a pulse? Yeah. One of those. So I remained in bed for hours. Finally crawled out sometime after 1pm my time.

Proceeded to hunt down coffee, curse out the wind for inducing such a headache.

Brother then appeared later. We grabbed food. More coffee. And rewatched Silent Hill.

Is it bad that I find the character of Pyramid Head a fascinating study?

I have a goal, post graduation; while trying to find work/internships, I’ll be doing character studies on several monster characters; faced in video games more likely, but whatever catches my eye. Break down of the body. Of the character itself.

I’m excited!

Tired, Meeting- But Hey, A New Pen!

Had to schedule a meeting to go over how to apply for one of the internships I’m after.

It went okay. The coffee was terrible. Tasted like Keurig crap- and concentrated coffee is a big fat NOPE in my book.

But my pen came. Charged it. And it works just fine. ❤

Took a reprieve. Been watching Good Girls Revolt. If you have Amazon Prime, I do suggest you check it out!

Took a rest. It was necessary.

Taking A Reprieve

That’s all that happened.

Gave my lesson. May have gone well. May have gone terribly. It’s over and done with now, however.

As for the evening class, I didn’t attend. Too damn tired.

Ate pizza and had mocha.

Too much food. Even thought I’ve barely eaten. It’s what happens when I’m beyond exhausted.

But one less major assignment done.

Just one to go, really.

Currently building a website website. For promotional and portfolio work.

I may give a link to it later this year. 🙂

Rehash, Redo

And no sleep. Two hours counts not.

But let me backtrack. I have to redo the entire presentation. In one day.

It’s a damn good thing when people like me and lend a massive hand.

I can get it done. I’m just beyond exhausted.

On top of cracking internally, emotionally. At least my presentation is first. And then I’ll be done.

I need to start working out again.

I’m skipping class tomorrow evening. I know I won’t be able to handle it.

It’s ridiculous how much is going on right now. 40 days until commencement, though!

A silver lining somewhere always shows itself.

More Meetings

And I’ll have to do them again in a week or two.

But this is the last curve of heavy duty assignments outside of my senior project. That will be rushed, but I’ve an idea of where it’s going.

It still won’t be great.

I’m fine with that. So long as I pass and can graduate.

I’m so damn tired. This isn’t good at all.

Topped off the evening with more terrible movies though.

Tuesday’s Breakdown

After my evening class. Came back overwhelmed.

So I broke down.

My mom worried about me. I worried about me. Binged on Taco Bell tacos and ice cream after brother came by. He’d had a rough week too.

So we watched the god awful Twilight Saga because it was something tangible to ground us and mock.

So much going on and I just don’t know how I’m going to get it all done.

A Day of Meetings

All. Day. Long.

It was exhausting. However three more scenes of mine have been relined, and most of my paperwork for applying for one internship is complete.

Still have a lesson to put together.

But I believe the lack of diversity among USA politics right now can cover diversity itself. We’re in an era where the few are represented on the grand scale. I believe it’s a topic worth talking about; making claims for neither party, but understanding the whole of the situation we millennials are left to take on while the aged continue to wreak havoc and divide us.

Perhaps I’m reaching.

But everyone I’ve talked to have agreed the topic has merit, and it matches one instructor’s look at a lack of diversity and the struggle a specific group faces.

Try we the people. We the young people. We of the generation breaking gender roles and expectations of careers, borders, and boundaries.

We are the next voice and seat. All the damage done falls to us, as they continue dividing us. Not all have succumbed, and I hope to see that the majority do not.

(Also still don’t have my voter registration card. Sigh.)