An End. 2016 Goodbye. A Reflection On The Endeavor.

Welcome, 2017. And hello to the final post I’ll make on this account (besides a potential redirection to my own website/blog series to be decided on later- I promise, if anyone has interest on that please do let me know.)

It’s been…an insane year. Wonderful, terrible, anxiety riddled, adventurous, and reeling with depression.

That’s right. That sums it all up. Chaos. Insanity, even.

I went from a flirting long distance weirdness, to a long distance relationship, to being ghosted (and still pursued later on by the Scorpio, and later another Virgo. And a Leo from my Astronomy class a few years back.)

Everyone still thinks I’m dating one brother figure of mine.

I learned to open more to love, but have yet to fall into a love so deep my soul feels at peace.

I have not experienced true heartbreak. But damn did I get a sweet new tattoo at the end of the summer.

I attended a wedding of a childhood friend another brother figure (the latter of which I want to wring his neck lately). Their relationship reflects everything I don’t want- good to know for me. I wish them all the love, and all the best, and all the joy I can muster.

I got to co-teach a freshmen class during my final semester of college.

My Senior Project flopped, and I still passed with an A.

I witnessed the worst of the current USA. I’ve watched our politics divide, and the immersion of religion into a system that can only lead to hate and spite at this rate.

I’ve had to decide, on myself, who I am and who I am not.

I fucking graduated college! I finished, in nine semesters. I finished, with debt to repay. But I finished. On my own. With just under a 4.0.

And I’ve been betrayed, isolated. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been happy. My heart has matured a bit more. And I’ve shed so much of myself again; for the final major time for a good long while to come.

I tried, at the beginning of these, to express haughty eloquence.

While I can write in such a style with ease; the real me is still raw and messy. I’m a cataclysm, really; a disaster people swear is beautiful but under 10 of them can really handle.

I’ve learned to embrace mayhem as it comes, and to ride its tide until I can put my feet back into the sand; and walk again.

In the past year, my depression has spiked and lasted the entire year. That’s been a first, but it has been rough.

Let’s start with the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing. That’s a milestone to overcome. For ten years, he has been absent from my life. And on further reflection, the girl I had been at that time is long gone.

She’s gone. Dead in part, really. And never again will I be her. And it’s that realization, of how much I’ve changed, and how much time has passed, that the notion of letting pieces of myself became prevalent this year as a lot of my life has indeed changed along with it.

As time passes, and as life takes me on its journey- more of me will fall away, to let room in for the new pieces of me that grow. New experiences. New people. I have to sacrifice parts, to become the person I’m…well…becoming. (Haaa.)

I’m allowed to mourn those pieces of me, and walk away from the incredulity and the skeptical eyes.

Let’s take a look, next, at me and “relationships”.

In all honesty, now that I reflect on it- I was being incredibly stupid and taking a risk I knew I shouldn’t. But my boredom, the attention, and the defiance of everything I’d been taught.

The attention was nice, and it broke me from a lot of my shell. And it could have escalated, or dissolved, into something pretty terrible.

A long distance relationship, based on the internet? The appeal is there, and the attention without spending physical contact with someone you’re not sure about is lovely.

However, I wasted far too much time and attention on one person. That was my biggest mistake. And I’m glad it happened as it did, rather than put me in some serious predicaments in a present, physical relationship.

It did hurt, I won’t lie, getting ghosted like I had. I prefer honesty. Done with me? Tell me. Don’t expect me to remain hooked forever. But I was never devastated. Simply addicted to the attention. Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make for the next one.

I’m currently hovering over the block button on twitter for this idiot. Should I message asking him to let go and leave me be? Or simply block him from contacting me and moving on.

Regardless, the lesson taken? Don’t cater and hang onto someone’s attention 24/7. And know your own damn worth. I know what it is I don’t want. I need…a gentle soul, strong enough to ride out my temper or anxiety that leads to me stressed and frenzied. But I need a soul with integrity in line with my own.

And I know assholes. I attract assholes. And I’m not attracted to assholes.

I’m fine. All is great. I’m single forever (kidding, maybe) until I relocate and just…live.

Which brings me to politics, real quick. On the basis of integrity- this country is so broken and divided. We elected an absolute moron, or a cruel cruel psychopath (who is entirely aware of what he’s doing, and playing stupid).

Because civil rights aren’t important enough, apparently. That is the basis for people I know who argue why he’s better than Clinton. (She wasn’t ideal. But she has done work that stood up for civil rights acts. It’s basic research to know this, my god.)

So as I lean closer to hittin’ the ol’ quarter-century (25, people- I’m about to turn 25), I’m divided among people. I’m neither a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m an independent, free-thinker, finding good and terrible ideals in both parties. More importantly, on the topic of integrity, I refuse to associate with hate. Apathy, is all me. Hate I will not participate in.

I cannot teach the fools. So if a fight must come to save our rights, and break the establishment of a biased, self-serving government; so be it. But standing in my way will prove the fool’s choice on their part, should they.

Am I about to become an activist? It’s possible. But I swear to nothing. It all depends on what our government decides to do.

Now, this leads to college. Ah, how I should have volunteered more and gone and immersed myself in activities and events. Lesson learned- but to be fair, depression and copious amounts of classwork pretty much locked me away. As did exhaustion.

Three bouts, I think, of depression hit me while in college. For various reasons, to no reasons at all.

I’ve questioned if the degree I chose to pursue was right for me. I questioned transferring to a college elsewhere. I’ve worried about loans to pay back. I’ve worried about if I’m even good enough.

And in the end- it doesn’t matter. I have a piece of paper (or will, when it finally reaches me), saying I’m now qualified in something or another.

Really, though, this was just a way to force me to focus on something.

I graduated, knowing my Senior Project was not adequate. But my instructor passed me with a high grade. I walked at my ceremony. I had that day ruined by two idiots from back home, not even staying through the entire commencement. In fact…even my mom didn’t. She had a valid reason, at least.

I didn’t feel accomplished that day. Now three weeks passed. Through barely managing to roll out of bed for nine semesters, conflicted thoughts, and sheer perseverance and a bad habit of procrastinating…

The education system is broken. It’s become increasingly easy to pass some of these classes, and the system doesn’t care really about its students. It wants money and statistics to boost revenue and status.

But I pulled through. I was strong. I was stubborn. I broke many times, but I did pull through.

But at what cost? Loss of myself, for the process of becoming someone new I’d never expected. With this degree- one for animation and visual effects, I no longer am sure to what it is I really want to be doing.

Initially, concept in game design was my key goal. However, I’ve let that rigid desire go. If it happens, that’d be fantastic! I’d love to try it for a bit. But for now, I’m not ready, most likely, to go that route.

For the next year, I’ll be poking at my options. I’ll be finessing what I know, and gathering resources to learn more. I’m dabbling with the idea to create a website/blog to discuss media- books, games, movies. Exploring plot and character/creature development, breaking them down into the positives and the negatives; in a way not so critically harsh in bias, and exploring character creation in what they are and why they have (or don’t) appeal.

But career-wise? I don’t know.

So I’ll explore hobbies as I widdle down what inventory of clothing and odds and ends I have. A whole year to spring cleaning! I’ll explore photography. And perhaps start dancing as a means of exercise for the sheer hell of it. Meanwhile devising plans and places and everything under the sun to get me where I need to go.

Entering into 2017, I’m at a crossroads of about 20 split paths. I don’t know who it is I am, as I stand here in stasis. That doesn’t deter me. Really, I embrace this unknown and uncertainty. I have one life term goal, beyond moving out of the state of New Mexico; go to the Highlands of Scotland for a year and write.

By heart, I’m a writer first more than anything else. That is the core of whoever I have been this entire time, besides my love for dogs and firm stance on habitat protection and conservation.

Entering into 2017, I’m exploring my options with a quiet, slightly broken grace. I’m not whole. I’m scarred by life and still carry the weight of many things I’m in the process of letting fly away. This year I have hopes for seeing a doctor to test for autoimmune issues I’m dealing with, getting a few of my teeth checked out; overall health to improve. I walk into this year with my head held high in regards to my own policy of protecting and pushing for human rights. I fumble with what it is I’m meant to become, as I get rid of the old to downgrade my life to something simpler.

I’ll be taking inventory, and making a GoFundMe for equipment I do need to start getting the ball rolling for a career/general practice of my own learned skillsets.

I walk into this year with eyes for evermore ink, and some new piercings I’m tempter by.

I’m going for a healthier life; actively, mentally, emotionally.

2017 will no doubt be rocky.

I cannot wallow in the despair remaining from the previous year. I’ll continue to walk with this worry plaguing me, but breathing and remembering day by day I’m alive and that’s a miracle if ever there was one.

2016 was about change- I was not wrong. I changed.

I grew up, calmed down. I found my footing in my own beliefs and my own stance on the world. While that has brought some ridicule, people have finally let me have it for I’ve finally found the words to describe it.

Toxins plaguing me I’m leaving behind in the pursuit of my own happiness; a life I deserve.

I cannot tell you what 2017 will mean. A reprieve? A year of action? A year of more change? The deciding year for many of us in our choices made/to make?

In all honesty this one eludes me.

Yet here I am, taking that first step of a brand new year.

I would like to thank all of you personally for reading these, for bearing with my slight insanity, my continued swearing, and my shenanigans. For being a part of my world, indulging in it, and taking a piece of it with you.

May this year bring about prosperity and kindness to all of you still reading.

(And know that my inbox is always open!)

From me to you, dear reader-

A Little Dove of White [aka C. Beasley]

twittahoriginal

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Tension

Even at home. I can’t escape any of it. Back at college. Here at home.

Why is it so damn impossible to escape it? No wonder I do better in isolation when it comes to myself…well…sometimes. Knowing people are near helps. But not sharing a space 24/7 is something quite lovely indeed. No wonder I seem to be constantly hurting emotionally, and constantly stressed and exhausted and angry.

It’s pretty damn sad I’m counting down the months until I’m free of college. It’s pretty damn sad I’m antsy to up and leave. I don’t care about the money or lack thereof at this point; I’ve stated this time and again. If I can just breathe and reconfigure myself, to optimize where I need to go and the person I inevitably want to be.

My best friend called me this evening. ❤ I’d been modding for her husband all day on Twitch. It was an amazing 20 minutes where I felt like I could, in fact, breathe. Openly admitting she’ll kidnap me and use me to babysit her poor furbabies while she takes one weekend of a breather. But she’ll also whisk me away until I figure my shit out, if I can’t get it organized come December.

It was nice to hear her speak. To be reminded someone isn’t going to dictate how I approach tomorrow.

And then…she asked about him.

To which I could only laugh hollowly. Couldn’t give details. My mother was out in the living room. And as horrible as it is, she doesn’t know about him.

To my best friend’s shock, and my lack of surprise, she wasn’t happy to hear I’d had no idea how he was. Or what he was up to.

I think it’s more surprising he didn’t break my heart doing this.

But it’s the repetition of he’s not the first to have done this to me, that has me in tears.

I’m so damn self destructive, I allow these situations to happen. Because every person seems to think I’m there at their convenience. Otherwise let me be a ragdoll, abused and neglected.

It’s sad, then, when they seem react negatively and pull away without a rope to pull them back up.

It’s sadder still when my mom is tired of my stubbornness. It’s worse when it’s harder for me every time I return “home” to co-habitate with her.

So I’m left to counting down the months before I graduate. To when I can pull away and tell everyone to stay away…or…simply vanish, perhaps. So what if I break several hearts? Hurt several people?

All they seem to gift me is pain. They allow me to hurt myself in such a way it’s very hard to repair.

And him? Him?

Do I call him out? Do I just block him? Do I wait?

I don’t know what to do but I can’t remain this way. I loved him, yes. Oh god did I love him.

But I can’t decide how much I had, how much I still do. He needs to stake his claim or let me go. Because I can’t handle this stangnant waiting. More than once I have allowed him room to contact me, to which he never did.

I know I’ve been selfish and made him push to have a chance with me.

I’ve damn well fucking earned that right.

I’m always the puppet. I’m there for everyone.

When the fucking hell will someone stand in my way and tell me enough is enough? That I matter?

It is always “I’m so proud of you!” or “You’ll figure it out. You always do! <3” It is never that my wellbeing matters. Ever.

I’m not suicidal. But I am damn well self destructive. To the point I can’t stomach more than a meal a day. I become physically ill otherwise. I can snack here and there usually…

Mom doesn’t know. Everyone who does hasn’t flipped. The most I’ve gotten is “that’s not good”, but then they’re satisfied I’m not hospitalized, so they’re perfectly at ease to let it go without more worry.

The rest just don’t react. For a while there, I’d dropped a significant amount of weight in just a few weeks’ time.

Yes, it put me at a healthier weight and physique…but the rate at which I acquired it is not okay. But I couldn’t stomach more than one meal. I still can’t, depending on the day.

My best friend, my very best friend, is the only one leaping in to drag me away. And yes, it’ll take us time. But why is it no one else will?

They interject instead, how I plan to approach my career, or where I’ll go in life.

And all it does is make me scream internally, and break even more as I cry when I know there is no one there to witness it.

I project a capable woman. What I am is lost, alone, and drowning.

I don’t have hope that someone will hold out a hand to at least steady me in those waves.

I’m too stubborn to die. I’ll rewrite my existence.

It still hurts.

Am I truly that unlovable? Am I that impossible to love? Can no one fight me on me?

It’s bullshit. I’m acutely aware, and even that my mom refuses to acknowledge when it comes to the trifles between she and I.

I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of having to wear a mask just to get by in a single damn day.

I can handle seven more months. What I can’t handle is being ghosted or sidelined in a relationship without a damn just cause.

I can handle this fucked up masquerade for a little while longer.

What I can’t handle is lack of love.

I’m begging all of you– either love me and reciprocate what I give, or for the love of whatever you find holy…let me fucking GO.

This tension. It’s everywhere. I’ll survive it. But what will be left at the end, is another question entirely.

~ a little white dove

What Is It?

More like, “what is love!?”

That was my entire morning. A sloppy mess of no sleep and a Skype call that left two parties too damn happy.

Because we’re both fucking crazy. And it’s weird. And things like this at 5am are weird and bizarre but it was real and awkward and we could not stop LAUGHING.

And it’s easy. And messy. And imperfect. And hard. A mosaic coming together by two parties that really just don’t understand what it is they’re doing.

definitely don’t know what I’m doing.

“I love you,” mouthed to me and it made me feel cool and warm and… Like it was all okay. And you saw what you needed to see and your eyes lit up and your smile couldn’t dissipate.

One of these days I’ll shock you. Beyond just the way I smile at you. And the day we come into proximity of each other? Best be careful. We’re a dangerous pair, after all.

“Fuck! We’re in love.”