An End. 2016 Goodbye. A Reflection On The Endeavor.

Welcome, 2017. And hello to the final post I’ll make on this account (besides a potential redirection to my own website/blog series to be decided on later- I promise, if anyone has interest on that please do let me know.)

It’s been…an insane year. Wonderful, terrible, anxiety riddled, adventurous, and reeling with depression.

That’s right. That sums it all up. Chaos. Insanity, even.

I went from a flirting long distance weirdness, to a long distance relationship, to being ghosted (and still pursued later on by the Scorpio, and later another Virgo. And a Leo from my Astronomy class a few years back.)

Everyone still thinks I’m dating one brother figure of mine.

I learned to open more to love, but have yet to fall into a love so deep my soul feels at peace.

I have not experienced true heartbreak. But damn did I get a sweet new tattoo at the end of the summer.

I attended a wedding of a childhood friend another brother figure (the latter of which I want to wring his neck lately). Their relationship reflects everything I don’t want- good to know for me. I wish them all the love, and all the best, and all the joy I can muster.

I got to co-teach a freshmen class during my final semester of college.

My Senior Project flopped, and I still passed with an A.

I witnessed the worst of the current USA. I’ve watched our politics divide, and the immersion of religion into a system that can only lead to hate and spite at this rate.

I’ve had to decide, on myself, who I am and who I am not.

I fucking graduated college! I finished, in nine semesters. I finished, with debt to repay. But I finished. On my own. With just under a 4.0.

And I’ve been betrayed, isolated. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been happy. My heart has matured a bit more. And I’ve shed so much of myself again; for the final major time for a good long while to come.

I tried, at the beginning of these, to express haughty eloquence.

While I can write in such a style with ease; the real me is still raw and messy. I’m a cataclysm, really; a disaster people swear is beautiful but under 10 of them can really handle.

I’ve learned to embrace mayhem as it comes, and to ride its tide until I can put my feet back into the sand; and walk again.

In the past year, my depression has spiked and lasted the entire year. That’s been a first, but it has been rough.

Let’s start with the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing. That’s a milestone to overcome. For ten years, he has been absent from my life. And on further reflection, the girl I had been at that time is long gone.

She’s gone. Dead in part, really. And never again will I be her. And it’s that realization, of how much I’ve changed, and how much time has passed, that the notion of letting pieces of myself became prevalent this year as a lot of my life has indeed changed along with it.

As time passes, and as life takes me on its journey- more of me will fall away, to let room in for the new pieces of me that grow. New experiences. New people. I have to sacrifice parts, to become the person I’m…well…becoming. (Haaa.)

I’m allowed to mourn those pieces of me, and walk away from the incredulity and the skeptical eyes.

Let’s take a look, next, at me and “relationships”.

In all honesty, now that I reflect on it- I was being incredibly stupid and taking a risk I knew I shouldn’t. But my boredom, the attention, and the defiance of everything I’d been taught.

The attention was nice, and it broke me from a lot of my shell. And it could have escalated, or dissolved, into something pretty terrible.

A long distance relationship, based on the internet? The appeal is there, and the attention without spending physical contact with someone you’re not sure about is lovely.

However, I wasted far too much time and attention on one person. That was my biggest mistake. And I’m glad it happened as it did, rather than put me in some serious predicaments in a present, physical relationship.

It did hurt, I won’t lie, getting ghosted like I had. I prefer honesty. Done with me? Tell me. Don’t expect me to remain hooked forever. But I was never devastated. Simply addicted to the attention. Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make for the next one.

I’m currently hovering over the block button on twitter for this idiot. Should I message asking him to let go and leave me be? Or simply block him from contacting me and moving on.

Regardless, the lesson taken? Don’t cater and hang onto someone’s attention 24/7. And know your own damn worth. I know what it is I don’t want. I need…a gentle soul, strong enough to ride out my temper or anxiety that leads to me stressed and frenzied. But I need a soul with integrity in line with my own.

And I know assholes. I attract assholes. And I’m not attracted to assholes.

I’m fine. All is great. I’m single forever (kidding, maybe) until I relocate and just…live.

Which brings me to politics, real quick. On the basis of integrity- this country is so broken and divided. We elected an absolute moron, or a cruel cruel psychopath (who is entirely aware of what he’s doing, and playing stupid).

Because civil rights aren’t important enough, apparently. That is the basis for people I know who argue why he’s better than Clinton. (She wasn’t ideal. But she has done work that stood up for civil rights acts. It’s basic research to know this, my god.)

So as I lean closer to hittin’ the ol’ quarter-century (25, people- I’m about to turn 25), I’m divided among people. I’m neither a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m an independent, free-thinker, finding good and terrible ideals in both parties. More importantly, on the topic of integrity, I refuse to associate with hate. Apathy, is all me. Hate I will not participate in.

I cannot teach the fools. So if a fight must come to save our rights, and break the establishment of a biased, self-serving government; so be it. But standing in my way will prove the fool’s choice on their part, should they.

Am I about to become an activist? It’s possible. But I swear to nothing. It all depends on what our government decides to do.

Now, this leads to college. Ah, how I should have volunteered more and gone and immersed myself in activities and events. Lesson learned- but to be fair, depression and copious amounts of classwork pretty much locked me away. As did exhaustion.

Three bouts, I think, of depression hit me while in college. For various reasons, to no reasons at all.

I’ve questioned if the degree I chose to pursue was right for me. I questioned transferring to a college elsewhere. I’ve worried about loans to pay back. I’ve worried about if I’m even good enough.

And in the end- it doesn’t matter. I have a piece of paper (or will, when it finally reaches me), saying I’m now qualified in something or another.

Really, though, this was just a way to force me to focus on something.

I graduated, knowing my Senior Project was not adequate. But my instructor passed me with a high grade. I walked at my ceremony. I had that day ruined by two idiots from back home, not even staying through the entire commencement. In fact…even my mom didn’t. She had a valid reason, at least.

I didn’t feel accomplished that day. Now three weeks passed. Through barely managing to roll out of bed for nine semesters, conflicted thoughts, and sheer perseverance and a bad habit of procrastinating…

The education system is broken. It’s become increasingly easy to pass some of these classes, and the system doesn’t care really about its students. It wants money and statistics to boost revenue and status.

But I pulled through. I was strong. I was stubborn. I broke many times, but I did pull through.

But at what cost? Loss of myself, for the process of becoming someone new I’d never expected. With this degree- one for animation and visual effects, I no longer am sure to what it is I really want to be doing.

Initially, concept in game design was my key goal. However, I’ve let that rigid desire go. If it happens, that’d be fantastic! I’d love to try it for a bit. But for now, I’m not ready, most likely, to go that route.

For the next year, I’ll be poking at my options. I’ll be finessing what I know, and gathering resources to learn more. I’m dabbling with the idea to create a website/blog to discuss media- books, games, movies. Exploring plot and character/creature development, breaking them down into the positives and the negatives; in a way not so critically harsh in bias, and exploring character creation in what they are and why they have (or don’t) appeal.

But career-wise? I don’t know.

So I’ll explore hobbies as I widdle down what inventory of clothing and odds and ends I have. A whole year to spring cleaning! I’ll explore photography. And perhaps start dancing as a means of exercise for the sheer hell of it. Meanwhile devising plans and places and everything under the sun to get me where I need to go.

Entering into 2017, I’m at a crossroads of about 20 split paths. I don’t know who it is I am, as I stand here in stasis. That doesn’t deter me. Really, I embrace this unknown and uncertainty. I have one life term goal, beyond moving out of the state of New Mexico; go to the Highlands of Scotland for a year and write.

By heart, I’m a writer first more than anything else. That is the core of whoever I have been this entire time, besides my love for dogs and firm stance on habitat protection and conservation.

Entering into 2017, I’m exploring my options with a quiet, slightly broken grace. I’m not whole. I’m scarred by life and still carry the weight of many things I’m in the process of letting fly away. This year I have hopes for seeing a doctor to test for autoimmune issues I’m dealing with, getting a few of my teeth checked out; overall health to improve. I walk into this year with my head held high in regards to my own policy of protecting and pushing for human rights. I fumble with what it is I’m meant to become, as I get rid of the old to downgrade my life to something simpler.

I’ll be taking inventory, and making a GoFundMe for equipment I do need to start getting the ball rolling for a career/general practice of my own learned skillsets.

I walk into this year with eyes for evermore ink, and some new piercings I’m tempter by.

I’m going for a healthier life; actively, mentally, emotionally.

2017 will no doubt be rocky.

I cannot wallow in the despair remaining from the previous year. I’ll continue to walk with this worry plaguing me, but breathing and remembering day by day I’m alive and that’s a miracle if ever there was one.

2016 was about change- I was not wrong. I changed.

I grew up, calmed down. I found my footing in my own beliefs and my own stance on the world. While that has brought some ridicule, people have finally let me have it for I’ve finally found the words to describe it.

Toxins plaguing me I’m leaving behind in the pursuit of my own happiness; a life I deserve.

I cannot tell you what 2017 will mean. A reprieve? A year of action? A year of more change? The deciding year for many of us in our choices made/to make?

In all honesty this one eludes me.

Yet here I am, taking that first step of a brand new year.

I would like to thank all of you personally for reading these, for bearing with my slight insanity, my continued swearing, and my shenanigans. For being a part of my world, indulging in it, and taking a piece of it with you.

May this year bring about prosperity and kindness to all of you still reading.

(And know that my inbox is always open!)

From me to you, dear reader-

A Little Dove of White [aka C. Beasley]

twittahoriginal

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Final Batch of Cookies to 2016

We made cookies. Mom bought more cigarettes. (Ugh to that last one.)

Now I’m sitting here with an aching back. Not doing what I should be doing in terms of exit counseling on those stupid fucking loans.

And irritated because my mom won’t go sleep in her own bed. I’ve fucking lost the couch tonight. And I’m pissed for no real reason. Other than my period started and I’m depressed like I have been for awhile. And I just want to be left alone.

And I’m paranoid she’s fucked my chances up to one internship so I can’t apply for it. Which it shouldn’t be a problem but it is.

And I’m miserable and I can’t fucking breathe and I just want to be left the fuck alone downstairs.

I’m swearing up a storm and I’m in hysterics and I shouldn’t be but I can’t stop it.

2016 can go and fuck itself. Even though 2017 is shaping to be a nightmare, too, perhaps I’ll find strength and purpose and understanding in what it is I want and need.

No more pressure from everyone. No more texts from people I don’t want to talk to.

However, I’m currently in a dilemma of posting something rather…brash and triggering on my Facebook page. About college, and the bad and the good (and the bad) that came with it. About politics and the divide and how I am so damn sick of the blatant hate spewing and disregard to listen to anyone outside your political view points. To which I’m guilty of, too- but I’ve acknowledged it and have been working on that for over a year. I’m not perfect, but dammit I’m one of few trying. And of depression and anxiety and the blatant fact that I am not okay. And I’ll continue to have these issues even decades down the line. Because they do not just go away. They pass, and I have a reprieve. And then the return again and I’ve no way to make them vanish for the rest of my life. Of the disregard, the disrespect, and the stigma. Of the fact I am so done. And I’m done being put on a pedestal I’ve told people to stop putting me on.

I don’t know what to do. It’ll trigger drama, or remain ignored and I can vanish from their stupid social media world. I can live in peace, perhaps, from their narrowminded stupidity or perhaps I can start over (in time) on there altogether.

Basically. I’m done. 2016 is ending. And I’ll reflect on that year tomorrow as my last real post on this blog. But also, I’ve finished college. And I’m not going to be the same person by the end of 2017.

I’m tired of people projecting their image of me, when really I’m a stranger. Even to my mother. I’ve become a stranger.

At least we didn’t botch the cookies this time.

A Day of Meetings

All. Day. Long.

It was exhausting. However three more scenes of mine have been relined, and most of my paperwork for applying for one internship is complete.

Still have a lesson to put together.

But I believe the lack of diversity among USA politics right now can cover diversity itself. We’re in an era where the few are represented on the grand scale. I believe it’s a topic worth talking about; making claims for neither party, but understanding the whole of the situation we millennials are left to take on while the aged continue to wreak havoc and divide us.

Perhaps I’m reaching.

But everyone I’ve talked to have agreed the topic has merit, and it matches one instructor’s look at a lack of diversity and the struggle a specific group faces.

Try we the people. We the young people. We of the generation breaking gender roles and expectations of careers, borders, and boundaries.

We are the next voice and seat. All the damage done falls to us, as they continue dividing us. Not all have succumbed, and I hope to see that the majority do not.

(Also still don’t have my voter registration card. Sigh.)

Frustration Reaching Peak

I’m…at my wits end in so many forms with so many reasons. It’s rather comical.

I’m functioning. I’m getting things done. All day I’ve been working with students, organizing things, and getting some other homework completed.

I even got a free cupcake!

And then this afternoon I also took two hours out of my day, polishing an online invite to my graduation in December.

Two hours of sifting editing, publishing- then writing a note for people to see on Facebook.

I wasn’t expecting much turn out.

In fact only a few acknowledged seeing it with ‘Likes’ and a few of the new reactions you can emote on the social media site.

No one has said a thing. Or said they were attending. I’m not surprised, and I was expecting it.

It still stings. Just a little.

First with the disaster of politics, and me trying to get people to delete me who supported the Republican candidate. (Personal reasons- my Democratic friends were not being so obnoxious so I left them alone.)

I’ve come to the point I had to unfollow one friend. His opinions and incapability of listening to another’s opinion without a snide remark has driven me insane.

Our entire political system is a joke to the world. Even they can’t figure out how we’ve come to this.

My graduation I wanted to be lowkey, anyway. Honestly I’m just so tired.

I’m constantly feeling like I’m collapsing. I can’t talk to my best friends. One is already a wreck and for whatever fucking reason keeps dodging communication.

The other is a know-it-all. Love her. But she’s aggravating.

My other friends…well…

I’m basically afloat on my own. I want my mom. But that will only help so much.

I need to deactivate social media tied to anyone I personally know. Thank whatever deity floats your boat they do not know of this journal.

I need so much space. Time. Distance. Clarity.

I need to shed this identity and placement and just be someone else somewhere else. Not a total identity facelift. I just need to be where I’ve no ties. It doesn’t guarantee me a lick of happiness. But it will give me a different perspective, and a different view on life. It will be different. Perhaps with people less selfishly centered.

I’m the vessel at their disposal.

I never learned how not to be. And it’s killing me. Can’t someone just ask, pry, stab and jab until whatever gooey mess comes leaking out? (Figuratively.)

I’m not a shattered mess. I’m empty and growing emptier. This isn’t the first time I’ve stated this. Nor will it be the last, with how my year is panning out.

It’s so, so hard to crawl out of bed, but I manage. It’s hard to eat some days, and some days it’s hard to stop.

It’s hard to find the positive when everyone is drowning.

I think I’ll call home tomorrow. And order more St. John’s Wort. I need to up my dosage. This needs to ease back until I’m done with college.

I’ll call home. Maybe I’ll finally fall apart at the seams. Maybe I need to. Or maybe I’ll continue stitching myself with makeshift quick-fixes while I wrestle with the massive amounts of homework still left to do.

I’m fucking sick of politics.

I’m fucking sick of people around me.

I wasn’t meant to sit behind concrete walls as I put myself in debt forever.

48 days to go.

Final Debate

Woke up to check a class thing online.

Went back to sleep.

Woke up around 2pm. Proceeded to take another half an hour.

Forgot the final presidential debate was tonight.

Watched it. Big mistake. Because supporters for Trump are vicious. Holy shit.

The debate itself was boring. But otherwise unexciting. And people are awful. Will write on it later this week after my head can clearly process.

 

Better Wednesday Than Anticipated

First class went smoothly. Aided by coffee and literally nothing going on except a presentation.

No second class.

So I napped after about three hours of trying to stay awake.

The bro’ and I grabbed pizza.

This week I’m also rather hellbent on raising some trouble with politics. So far not working. Dammit. 😛