An End. 2016 Goodbye. A Reflection On The Endeavor.

Welcome, 2017. And hello to the final post I’ll make on this account (besides a potential redirection to my own website/blog series to be decided on later- I promise, if anyone has interest on that please do let me know.)

It’s been…an insane year. Wonderful, terrible, anxiety riddled, adventurous, and reeling with depression.

That’s right. That sums it all up. Chaos. Insanity, even.

I went from a flirting long distance weirdness, to a long distance relationship, to being ghosted (and still pursued later on by the Scorpio, and later another Virgo. And a Leo from my Astronomy class a few years back.)

Everyone still thinks I’m dating one brother figure of mine.

I learned to open more to love, but have yet to fall into a love so deep my soul feels at peace.

I have not experienced true heartbreak. But damn did I get a sweet new tattoo at the end of the summer.

I attended a wedding of a childhood friend another brother figure (the latter of which I want to wring his neck lately). Their relationship reflects everything I don’t want- good to know for me. I wish them all the love, and all the best, and all the joy I can muster.

I got to co-teach a freshmen class during my final semester of college.

My Senior Project flopped, and I still passed with an A.

I witnessed the worst of the current USA. I’ve watched our politics divide, and the immersion of religion into a system that can only lead to hate and spite at this rate.

I’ve had to decide, on myself, who I am and who I am not.

I fucking graduated college! I finished, in nine semesters. I finished, with debt to repay. But I finished. On my own. With just under a 4.0.

And I’ve been betrayed, isolated. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been happy. My heart has matured a bit more. And I’ve shed so much of myself again; for the final major time for a good long while to come.

I tried, at the beginning of these, to express haughty eloquence.

While I can write in such a style with ease; the real me is still raw and messy. I’m a cataclysm, really; a disaster people swear is beautiful but under 10 of them can really handle.

I’ve learned to embrace mayhem as it comes, and to ride its tide until I can put my feet back into the sand; and walk again.

In the past year, my depression has spiked and lasted the entire year. That’s been a first, but it has been rough.

Let’s start with the 10th anniversary of my dad’s passing. That’s a milestone to overcome. For ten years, he has been absent from my life. And on further reflection, the girl I had been at that time is long gone.

She’s gone. Dead in part, really. And never again will I be her. And it’s that realization, of how much I’ve changed, and how much time has passed, that the notion of letting pieces of myself became prevalent this year as a lot of my life has indeed changed along with it.

As time passes, and as life takes me on its journey- more of me will fall away, to let room in for the new pieces of me that grow. New experiences. New people. I have to sacrifice parts, to become the person I’m…well…becoming. (Haaa.)

I’m allowed to mourn those pieces of me, and walk away from the incredulity and the skeptical eyes.

Let’s take a look, next, at me and “relationships”.

In all honesty, now that I reflect on it- I was being incredibly stupid and taking a risk I knew I shouldn’t. But my boredom, the attention, and the defiance of everything I’d been taught.

The attention was nice, and it broke me from a lot of my shell. And it could have escalated, or dissolved, into something pretty terrible.

A long distance relationship, based on the internet? The appeal is there, and the attention without spending physical contact with someone you’re not sure about is lovely.

However, I wasted far too much time and attention on one person. That was my biggest mistake. And I’m glad it happened as it did, rather than put me in some serious predicaments in a present, physical relationship.

It did hurt, I won’t lie, getting ghosted like I had. I prefer honesty. Done with me? Tell me. Don’t expect me to remain hooked forever. But I was never devastated. Simply addicted to the attention. Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make for the next one.

I’m currently hovering over the block button on twitter for this idiot. Should I message asking him to let go and leave me be? Or simply block him from contacting me and moving on.

Regardless, the lesson taken? Don’t cater and hang onto someone’s attention 24/7. And know your own damn worth. I know what it is I don’t want. I need…a gentle soul, strong enough to ride out my temper or anxiety that leads to me stressed and frenzied. But I need a soul with integrity in line with my own.

And I know assholes. I attract assholes. And I’m not attracted to assholes.

I’m fine. All is great. I’m single forever (kidding, maybe) until I relocate and just…live.

Which brings me to politics, real quick. On the basis of integrity- this country is so broken and divided. We elected an absolute moron, or a cruel cruel psychopath (who is entirely aware of what he’s doing, and playing stupid).

Because civil rights aren’t important enough, apparently. That is the basis for people I know who argue why he’s better than Clinton. (She wasn’t ideal. But she has done work that stood up for civil rights acts. It’s basic research to know this, my god.)

So as I lean closer to hittin’ the ol’ quarter-century (25, people- I’m about to turn 25), I’m divided among people. I’m neither a Democrat, nor am I a Republican. I’m an independent, free-thinker, finding good and terrible ideals in both parties. More importantly, on the topic of integrity, I refuse to associate with hate. Apathy, is all me. Hate I will not participate in.

I cannot teach the fools. So if a fight must come to save our rights, and break the establishment of a biased, self-serving government; so be it. But standing in my way will prove the fool’s choice on their part, should they.

Am I about to become an activist? It’s possible. But I swear to nothing. It all depends on what our government decides to do.

Now, this leads to college. Ah, how I should have volunteered more and gone and immersed myself in activities and events. Lesson learned- but to be fair, depression and copious amounts of classwork pretty much locked me away. As did exhaustion.

Three bouts, I think, of depression hit me while in college. For various reasons, to no reasons at all.

I’ve questioned if the degree I chose to pursue was right for me. I questioned transferring to a college elsewhere. I’ve worried about loans to pay back. I’ve worried about if I’m even good enough.

And in the end- it doesn’t matter. I have a piece of paper (or will, when it finally reaches me), saying I’m now qualified in something or another.

Really, though, this was just a way to force me to focus on something.

I graduated, knowing my Senior Project was not adequate. But my instructor passed me with a high grade. I walked at my ceremony. I had that day ruined by two idiots from back home, not even staying through the entire commencement. In fact…even my mom didn’t. She had a valid reason, at least.

I didn’t feel accomplished that day. Now three weeks passed. Through barely managing to roll out of bed for nine semesters, conflicted thoughts, and sheer perseverance and a bad habit of procrastinating…

The education system is broken. It’s become increasingly easy to pass some of these classes, and the system doesn’t care really about its students. It wants money and statistics to boost revenue and status.

But I pulled through. I was strong. I was stubborn. I broke many times, but I did pull through.

But at what cost? Loss of myself, for the process of becoming someone new I’d never expected. With this degree- one for animation and visual effects, I no longer am sure to what it is I really want to be doing.

Initially, concept in game design was my key goal. However, I’ve let that rigid desire go. If it happens, that’d be fantastic! I’d love to try it for a bit. But for now, I’m not ready, most likely, to go that route.

For the next year, I’ll be poking at my options. I’ll be finessing what I know, and gathering resources to learn more. I’m dabbling with the idea to create a website/blog to discuss media- books, games, movies. Exploring plot and character/creature development, breaking them down into the positives and the negatives; in a way not so critically harsh in bias, and exploring character creation in what they are and why they have (or don’t) appeal.

But career-wise? I don’t know.

So I’ll explore hobbies as I widdle down what inventory of clothing and odds and ends I have. A whole year to spring cleaning! I’ll explore photography. And perhaps start dancing as a means of exercise for the sheer hell of it. Meanwhile devising plans and places and everything under the sun to get me where I need to go.

Entering into 2017, I’m at a crossroads of about 20 split paths. I don’t know who it is I am, as I stand here in stasis. That doesn’t deter me. Really, I embrace this unknown and uncertainty. I have one life term goal, beyond moving out of the state of New Mexico; go to the Highlands of Scotland for a year and write.

By heart, I’m a writer first more than anything else. That is the core of whoever I have been this entire time, besides my love for dogs and firm stance on habitat protection and conservation.

Entering into 2017, I’m exploring my options with a quiet, slightly broken grace. I’m not whole. I’m scarred by life and still carry the weight of many things I’m in the process of letting fly away. This year I have hopes for seeing a doctor to test for autoimmune issues I’m dealing with, getting a few of my teeth checked out; overall health to improve. I walk into this year with my head held high in regards to my own policy of protecting and pushing for human rights. I fumble with what it is I’m meant to become, as I get rid of the old to downgrade my life to something simpler.

I’ll be taking inventory, and making a GoFundMe for equipment I do need to start getting the ball rolling for a career/general practice of my own learned skillsets.

I walk into this year with eyes for evermore ink, and some new piercings I’m tempter by.

I’m going for a healthier life; actively, mentally, emotionally.

2017 will no doubt be rocky.

I cannot wallow in the despair remaining from the previous year. I’ll continue to walk with this worry plaguing me, but breathing and remembering day by day I’m alive and that’s a miracle if ever there was one.

2016 was about change- I was not wrong. I changed.

I grew up, calmed down. I found my footing in my own beliefs and my own stance on the world. While that has brought some ridicule, people have finally let me have it for I’ve finally found the words to describe it.

Toxins plaguing me I’m leaving behind in the pursuit of my own happiness; a life I deserve.

I cannot tell you what 2017 will mean. A reprieve? A year of action? A year of more change? The deciding year for many of us in our choices made/to make?

In all honesty this one eludes me.

Yet here I am, taking that first step of a brand new year.

I would like to thank all of you personally for reading these, for bearing with my slight insanity, my continued swearing, and my shenanigans. For being a part of my world, indulging in it, and taking a piece of it with you.

May this year bring about prosperity and kindness to all of you still reading.

(And know that my inbox is always open!)

From me to you, dear reader-

A Little Dove of White [aka C. Beasley]

twittahoriginal

The Clouds Breathe

A song by The Glitch Mob. I don’t usually go for that electronic sound- but aside from Daft Punk I’m digging this group, and have for years.

I had pizza this evening. I don’t think my body agreed with it.

I’ll do some serious stretching, as well as all of the coloring, come the morrow.

I’m tired. This song is bittersweet. I feel very broken and isolated and tired.

But somehow very calm.

Music is a wondrous thing. I cannot wait to be done, to have graduated; so I can quietly fade off into another life as I rebuild my reality again. My obligations will have been met by that point, and life can rebuild.

I’m so depressing tonight.

Perhaps it was due to my phone scaring me with a lack of response to everything I did. I never reset it, after I got it to reboot (after 4 attempts). And then finding out the hair place I need to get hold of wasn’t open as long as their damned Facebook page said. And then I couldn’t do anymore homework. I just…sat. And thought. And sat. Tested yoga poses, but they’re beyond my current flexibility because I’m just caught in an endless rut and I need to breathe but I can’t.

I just can’t.

And no one gets that.

All it ever is is “hang in there <3” and “you’re almost there!” and it’s not what I need to fucking hear.

And no one gets that. No one.

I just want to be somewhere far from this. Because I can’t fucking breathe or focus and I just…lost all steam. Gone. Poof. I’m cracking.

I never expected 2016 to proceed like this. I expected that joke of a relationship to end. I expected the crunch time.

Hell, I expected my mom to not understand just how much that awful summer job wears me out.

But this bout of depression is early. It shouldn’t have hit until 2017 at the earliest. But it never left from 2015.

I’m not a suicidal mess. Nor am I blubbering mess. I’m an empty void continuously putting myself on the line for everyone with disregard to myself. Self destructive, yet I still stand again every fucking day. I don’t know how. I really don’t.

I do know, however, that this can’t keep going. And I’m more and more likely to find a ticket out.

I know some spectacular people.

But again- no one reaches their hand for me.

Even my best friend hasn’t. Neither have. One has kept me company these last days, more than the other. And in our uncertainty we’ve found warm company.

But I don’t have anyone grabbing me to keep me from falling further. I don’t have anyone gathering my pieces so I can pull myself back together. I’ve said this before. Probably repeatedly.

What a lonely world I exist in.

Recluse

I’m becoming a recluse again.

I didn’t get much done, besides paperwork. And the majority of my shots colored in one color. This weekend I’ll work on the rest.

I ate junk food all day. Sigh. Can’t afford to do that, when I’m not working out regularly.

And wasting food I don’t have.

Whatever. Some coloring has been done. And I’ll continue to persevere despite it all. Avoiding emails. Avoiding much contact.

Even one of my best friends isn’t responding much. If she wanted me to back off, I’d rather she say so than just read a message (which I’ve seen she had), and just not respond.

I’m being selfish. I don’t care. I’m pulling away.

Disorganized, and Getting Crap For It

So I didn’t sleep well.

My freshmen didn’t sleep well. And I get some crap tossed my way because I wasn’t encouraging them to get set up by their instructor. Regardless she wouldn’t listen to the fact I was talking with one about registration. Regardless that the class wasn’t listening to me.

I’m so glad I’m done with that class. Good luck, freshmen. Some of you are going to have a bad time being an adult if you don’t change your attitudes or behaviors.

Grabbed coffee with two friends. Turned into beer with one after. (I needed it…)

Not boding well with someone finding me attractive right now. I’m just not. I’m shutting down due to everything I need to do, still. On everything I’m working on. On life. On stress.

I’m burned out. To make matters worse, a friend is going to see a movie we agreed to see together, without me.

He said we’d see it (him, again) when I got back.

But it’s the same damn thing. All the time, the same damn thing.

When will I learn. I just can’t get anything right, apparently.

Oh 2017, please bring me clarity and guidance in where I need to go and be.

Thursday Meetings

All afternoon proceeding the class I’m aiding in.

I was such a bitch to one freshman- but he deserved it. Made him log into a computer rather than use his phone.

Otherwise it was smooth going. Getting lesson done. Getting things done. So little sleep though.

My diet consists of coffee nowadays. Sometimes healthy. Sometimes not.

I need to start doing yoga. Come Sunday I will.

Wednesday’s Surprises

Things went calm and smooth comparatively to Tuesday.

Mellow morning class. Followed by surprise pizza in the next. (Should have taken the free coffee and donut, not bought a bagel and coffee. Dammit.)

It was a mellow day all in all though. Felt less awful afterwards. But having stayed up the entire night preceding it, I napped for a while after classes.

Free pizza. That was totally unexpected.

Tuesday’s Breakdown

After my evening class. Came back overwhelmed.

So I broke down.

My mom worried about me. I worried about me. Binged on Taco Bell tacos and ice cream after brother came by. He’d had a rough week too.

So we watched the god awful Twilight Saga because it was something tangible to ground us and mock.

So much going on and I just don’t know how I’m going to get it all done.

A Day of Meetings

All. Day. Long.

It was exhausting. However three more scenes of mine have been relined, and most of my paperwork for applying for one internship is complete.

Still have a lesson to put together.

But I believe the lack of diversity among USA politics right now can cover diversity itself. We’re in an era where the few are represented on the grand scale. I believe it’s a topic worth talking about; making claims for neither party, but understanding the whole of the situation we millennials are left to take on while the aged continue to wreak havoc and divide us.

Perhaps I’m reaching.

But everyone I’ve talked to have agreed the topic has merit, and it matches one instructor’s look at a lack of diversity and the struggle a specific group faces.

Try we the people. We the young people. We of the generation breaking gender roles and expectations of careers, borders, and boundaries.

We are the next voice and seat. All the damage done falls to us, as they continue dividing us. Not all have succumbed, and I hope to see that the majority do not.

(Also still don’t have my voter registration card. Sigh.)

Slow Going

And more emails. Organization. Too much junk food and a nagging headache.

I have a week to put together a lesson. I just don’t give a shit.

7 weeks to go. More crap online among people I know in terms of political crap and ideas.

And I have meetings all day tomorrow. Lovely.

So much to do. I’ll be able to vigilantly work on my senior project though after November 1st. I can do this. Just will be bashing my skull against something until it’s done. (Figuratively.)