Vegging on a Wednesday

On the computer. Listening to music. Watching game clips. Contemplating the meaning of my own life and not finding answers.

Vacuumed cobwebs though. Some. We have far too many in the house.

I can’t believe the New Year is almost upon us.

For my last entry on this blog, I think, I’ll reflect on everything.

It’ll be a long entry. So get ready!

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Sigh

I had class.

Last minute, we had to attend portfolio development.

It irks me, because it was a last minute heads up that we did indeed have class. I’m so tired, so this wasn’t fun.

Proceeded to do homework…by procrastinating and then simply finding games for the freshmen to play on Thursday. It’s a funny feeling, that tomorrow will be the last day I see them.

Let’s face it- I’m attached to a few. And I wish for them all the luck and good fortune to shine their way.

Otherwise, I’m dead tired. And so much to do.

Here’s to hoping for a C if nothing else…

But hey- I’m almost done with Downton Abbey?

Charmed Another

That was unexpected and not.

Been in a poke war for days now. Just over a week, on Facebook. (I’m lurking more than anything.)

Another Virgo. Not a bad man at all. He went to the same high school as I had. He’s treated me well.

I have my reservations about people right now. I have my reservations about Virgos, too. Mostly I don’t feel stable to communicate with anyone outside of my teeny tiny circle of people in the current state of…well…my days? my life?

Whatever. Fact remaining, I’ve drawn another in. This time he’s older than I am! (Wut?)

Usually they’re younger. Almost always they’ve been younger, by at least edging in close to a year.

I’m still not enthralled right now with people. I’ve no interest in dating, either. Not with graduation approaching. Or with me trying to figure out life.

Anyone interjecting anything right now is put under a list of heads I’d love to sock.

I digress. (I say this way, way too often.)

I just…feel far too tired for only being 24 years old. Mistreated. Stepped on. Disrespected. Expected to be or do whatever it is people interject my way.

No wonder I stopped caring about so much.

What I would love, however, to know- is why Virgo. I’m an Aquarius so deeply influenced by Capricorn, my stubbornness is unmatched save for the absolute ignorant.

I’m at a loss. Honestly I’m at such a loss right now. I give handed too much at the worst possible times I swear.

Tomorrow perhaps things will be clear over a cup of coffee with two friends.

A Day Of Processing

I, like many, could barely sleep post election results. It was beyond surreal. And while my anger and fear and hurt were something volatile, it needed to be unleashed very much how it had been.

Nearly broke my hand, I believe. But I didn’t. I remained hurting internally, riding out the buzz of turmoil, hurt for my loved ones, and fear roiling in what is to come.

And then I lay under blankets, dosing until my alarm brought me back to the reality. To which I’m surprised I managed to attend class.

I’m glad I did. While a brief, tiny section of only a few of us- it was healing. We all felt in some way that foreboding fear and anxiety of what’s to come next.

I sipped away at some tea, enjoying the company of quiet reflection among peers.

I meant to attend an orchestra concert tonight, but I was so tired and reclusive and wanting to stay in…

Anyway. Spent my afternoon blasting positive music. Because the hate had deviated, the contemplation and reflection to process the impact of this election, the power of integrity and kindness, and how many people have each other’s backs.

I’ve been attacked earlier, online, by old friends. Offended by the backlash about explaining to friends who are minority, or women, or part of LGBTQ, or muslim- and explain why they don’t matter by electing an entire campaign demoralizing them. By electing a candidate with a running mate with an atrocious track record for women’s rights and gay rights and everything else tacked in as well.

How dare I share a post about it. How dare I insult them when I’m trying to hold my friends together who are deeply afflicted. One of my very best friends rushed in to submit an application for her passport, as a precaution to this mayhem.

The fact that one of them had the audacity to justify the rights of minorities is worth sacrificing to “save America”, has left me with zero respect. I cannot hate them. For their arrogance and ignorance I cannot change. My nearly endless patience still won’t put a dent into their stubborn resilience.

But it has brought me to reflection, that such behavior I will not lower myself to. I will not hate. I will not scream. I will not rage.

I turn my back, as I pull into myself to reflect a little more, and allow time to process and heal what has happened.

The riots, the burst in hate crimes in 24 hours’ time…

I will not rage. But I will not sit idly by. Upon my graduation, I will retract into myself back home. I will contemplate, and calculate, to iterate my decision in how I will use with my time come the new year. Once that has passed, I suppose I’ll make a note that I won’t tolerate this behavior.

That I will not hate. But I will not stand idly by. This divide will ruin us. Regardless of what happens in office for the following four years, we cannot be divided any longer.

But for now, I’ll pull back and process. Grieve, fear, breathe, and mend.

Mend, everyone. Reach out with a kind gesture; even a smile.

It’ll all be okay if we do not leave every man, woman, and child to fend on their own in the chaos.

For now, though, let us heal quietly; together.

Lost It

Fuck. Lost my tablet’s pen. Into thin air it vanished. It was here before my shower. Gone when I came back. It had been right here. On my desk.

Checked the entirety of my dorm room. Nowhere in sight. Under all the furniture.

So I had to rush order. Thanks to it not being a wacom, it cost under $24, that’s including one day delivery.

Class went smooth. They were in awe of the layout I’ve chosen for my website.

Just have so much to do now. Lovely. But I’m down to the crunch.

I’m fine though. The anxiety has eased away quite a bit. However wanting to break down after my pen suddenly vanished topped the day.

I was fine by later in the evening, at least.

Wednesday’s Surprises

Things went calm and smooth comparatively to Tuesday.

Mellow morning class. Followed by surprise pizza in the next. (Should have taken the free coffee and donut, not bought a bagel and coffee. Dammit.)

It was a mellow day all in all though. Felt less awful afterwards. But having stayed up the entire night preceding it, I napped for a while after classes.

Free pizza. That was totally unexpected.